


Patrick, it's David

by thesummerstars



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Canon Compliant, Developing Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2020-03-20 13:57:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 20,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18994000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesummerstars/pseuds/thesummerstars
Summary: How David and Patrick fell in love, as seen through their texts to one another





	1. Leave a message

**Author's Note:**

> So, I love a text fic, and I love these boys. What else could I do?
> 
> We start during Motel Review with a flustered and a little bit high David after his cute lil voicemails!
> 
> I hope you enjoy! Best wishes and warmest regards.

_Patrick, it's David Rose from the general store_

 

_Well not the general store. You know what I mean. From the business license. For the store. You gave me your card._

 

_Anyway I tried to call about my license but got through to your voicemail. You can ignore the messages. I don't think I got my point across and while your "helpful" badminton metaphors make no sense to me I wanted to ask you to look over my proposal because you look like you know what you're doing_

 

_Business proposal, that is_

 

_Anyway, don't bother listening to the messages I'll come back to Ray's_

 

_If you don't mind me coming in, I'm not sure if I have to make like an appointment or something?_

 

_I'll just come in and grab one of those deli counter ticket things_

 

_Is Ray really_ that _busy? Does he need a deli counter ticket system? How many houses are there to sell in Schitt's Creek?_

 

_Although I suppose he's busy enough to have hired you._

 

_I'll come back later and grab a ticket. If you'll be there._

 

_Not that I won't talk to Ray. But he's probably busy._

 

_Hence the deli ticket thing._

 

_Anyway don't listen to the messages_

 

\-------------

 

_Patrick, it's David Rose. Do you know how long a business license takes to come back?_

 

**I know it's you, David. My voicemail wasn't the only part of my phone to collapse from exhaustion earlier - Patrick.**

 

_I was… Hoping that you had deleted them. Or that they'd been lost in the airwaves. Or maybe that you didn't know how to read._

 

**A license can take anything up to two weeks to process. I'll let you know when we get it - Patrick.**

 

**When you get it. Sorry - Patrick.**  

 

_Okay, thanks._

 

_You don't need to sign off on every text, I'll just save your number._

 

**It's polite and professional to sign off messages - Patrick.**

 

_Okay grandpa, would you prefer I sent you a letter via carrier pigeon?_

 

**God no, my mailbox is far too small to contain all your thoughts - Patrick.**

 

_Oh yes, you are the height of politeness. The king of courtesy._

 

**What can I say? I'm very sure of myself - Patrick.**

 

_Thank you. By the way. For helping me with my form. I'm not… Good at expressing my thoughts sometimes._

 

**You're welcome. Happy to help with the oscillation - Patrick.**

 

_You really think the name is pretentious?_

 

**Do you care what I think? - Patrick.**

 

_Humour me_

 

**It's not something I would expect from a store in this town, but you're not something I would expect from this town either. It's good to stand out and be unique. From a business perspective - Patrick.**

 

_So it's timeless and I'm timeless too is what you're saying_

 

**Let's stick with unique - Patrick.**

 

_Uniquely timeless. Got it. Thanks for your help._

 

**Any time. Call me if you need me. Well, call me once at a time. I'd need more than 24 hours in a day to get through your voicemails on a regular basis - Patrick.**

 

_I will._

 

_I mean, hopefully I'll be a natural at this business thing and won't need to but. If I do. I've got your number._

 

_So,_ again _, no need to sign off the texts._

 

_Goodnight Patrick_

 

**Ciao.**

 

**-Patrick.**

 


	2. A business major who wears straight leg, mid-range denim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This takes place before, during and after The Affair.

_ Patrick, it’s David. Any news on the license? _

 

**I was just about to call you, actually. It just arrived this morning. - Patrick**

 

_ Oh that’s great. I’ll come to Ray’s to pick it up later. I can’t right now because I’m attempting to organise inventory but my brat of a sister is dipping her disgusting germ hands into all my product while giving me terrible business advice from her high school intro to business textbook _

 

**I can drop it by, if you’re busy. I’d love to see what you’ve done with the store, anyway - Patrick**

 

_ Would you though? _

 

**Yes? It’s a great idea you’ve got and I would like to see how you’re doing with it - Patrick**

 

_ Oh so you’re actually like into business stuff _

 

**Well I was a business major in college and I was always drawn to the first stages of setting up of a business. I guess it’s just interesting to me - Patrick**

 

_ Okay Mr Bigshot Business Major, I guess I was right to trust you with my incorporation papers. You  _ do _ know what you’re doing.  _

 

_ Um anyway feel free to come in if you’re happy to meet my whirlwind of a sister, who is currently flattening out a lip balm she’s used no less than four times today but apparently thinks is still good enough to sell. She thinks I haven't noticed her doing it which is somehow worse. _

 

**I’ll be there in half an hour - Patrick**

 

_ I feel like you’re not understanding that you’re going to meet my sister if you come _

 

**I’m sure she’s fine, David. And I want to see you - Patrick**

 

**See your store, I meant - Patrick**

 

_ She just told me that if I want to stay in business then the textbooks say I need to make sure my profits outweigh my losses and I need to make sure my cash cows are mooing. _

 

**Sound advice, is she also your business manager? - Patrick**

 

_ God help us all if she is _

 

**See you in 20 - Patrick**

 

_ \------------- _

 

**You weren’t joking when you said Alexis was a whirlwind - Patrick**

 

_ I thought you knew by now to trust me, she is a waking nightmare _

 

**She’s sweet though, and I think she really wants you to do well - Patrick**

 

_ Oh. Yeah. Well, everyone loves Alexis, I guess. _

 

**David I also wanted to apologise for underestimating you before. I didn’t want to make it sound like I didn’t believe in your business plan. You’ve got a really great thing going here - Patrick**

 

_ Oh, well. Thank you. For that. And also for your help today. You didn’t need to do that. _

 

**No problem - Patrick**

 

**Also, just so you know Alexis used some of the lavender hand cream and put it straight back in the box just before I left - Patrick**

 

_ I’m going to kill her _

 

_ \------------- _

 

**Hi David, just wanted to thank you again for taking me up on my offer. Looking forward to working with you - P**

 

_ P? Who is this 'P'? I know many Ps, how will I possibly be able to work out which of the hundreds of Ps in my contacts this could be?  _ _ Penelope Cruz, is that you? Long time no speak - last time I saw you was at that underwater bar in Hong Kong _

 

**And here I was thinking I was special - P**

 

_ You are special, Penelope. I especially loved you in Vicky Cristina Barcelona  _

 

**Hey David, it’s Patrick Brewer, your business partner, who is regretting his choices more and more by the second - Patrick**

 

_ Oh, hi Patrick. So good too hear from you. Thanks for letting me know who you were, I was confused for a second there. _

 

_ You’re not really regretting it are you? _

 

**No David, this is going to be good. I can feel it - Patrick**

 

_ As long as you don’t buy any more frames, it’ll be good.  _

 

**Duly noted - Patrick**

 

_ Go back to being P, I liked the mystery of it _

 

**I don’t want Penelope Cruz wrestling her way into our business so I’ll stay Patrick, thanks - Patrick**

 

_ Bold of you to call it our business when you haven't even started the grant applications _

 

**How do you know I've not written them yet? - Patrick**

 

_Um, because you literally asked me about them two hours ago_

 

**Who's to say I hadn't already started before I came to see you? - Patrick**

 

_What would you have done if I'd rejected you though?_

 

**You didn't, so I don't need to worry about that - Patrick**

 

_So had you started writing them?_

 

**You'll never know. Got to keep the mystery alive somehow now that Ms Cruz is out of the picture. Goodnight David - Patrick**

 

_Goodnight, Penelope. See you in the morning._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like the idea that while he's all talk and teasing in person, Patrick's a bit bumbling over text at first. He's just getting his head around how he feels about David and is afraid that he'll slip up over text. I hope that came across... this chapter felt impossible to write - I'm still not sure I'm happy with it!


	3. On brand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This takes place just before Sebastien Raine!

_ Patrick, it’s David. I have realised that I've made a terrible mistake _

 

**About what? Can I help? - Patrick**

 

_ I accepted your offer to be my business partner without asking you a very important question which could change everything  _

 

_ And I mean everything _

 

**Oh. Okay. - Patrick**

 

_ Patrick. I need you to answer this completely honestly okay _

 

_ It’s very important _

 

_ So tell me the truth _

 

**Okay David, if we're doing this. I have to tell you something - Patrick**

 

_ What music do you like? Because if you think you're putting, like, country music on the store playlist this partnership isn't going to work  _

 

_ Wait what?  _

 

**David you are not going to fire me over my music taste - Patrick**

 

_ No, what? What were you going to tell me?  _

 

**Nothing David - Patrick**

 

_ No you can't just go around dropping bombs like that and then fly away like nothing happened that's not what people do _

 

**I mean… Most bombs are dropped by planes, and they quite literally fly away afterwards - Patrick**

 

_ Patrick what were you going to say _

 

**Okay. I'll be honest. It could change things though - Patrick**

 

_ Alright  _

 

_ Hello? _

 

_ Are you still there?? _

 

**I'm not really allergic to cats, I just hated that scarf. It was itchy and smelled weird and I just needed an excuse to get it off - Patrick**

 

_ Right. The scarf. Okay.  _

 

_ Uh well thanks. For telling me. I guess. I'll speak to the vendor tomorrow  _

 

**I'm sorry - Patrick**

 

**So, talk to me about music. What genres am I allowed to like - Patrick**

 

_ Oh. Yeah. Yeah so no country.  _

 

_ I guess I wouldn’t hate some Dixie Chicks or that one Beyoncé song about her dad but literally any other country song and you would be fired without question _

 

_ So who do you like _

 

_ What music do you like _

 

**Well, when I’m not listening to Nickelback I like to kick back with some Limp Bizkit - Patrick**

 

_ Well, I enjoyed all 48 hours of us working together, Patrick. It’s been really fun, such a shame to see it end.  _

 

**We had a good run of it, maybe you can contact some of the other Ps in your phone and see if they’ll be your business partner instead - Patrick**

 

_ Okay. You know what? I am a nice person and I am willing to compromise here. You can stay working with me. _

 

**That’s so generous of you, how can I possibly thank for for this opportunity - Patrick**

 

_ AND you are allowed to add songs to the store playlist _

 

**Goodness, does your generosity know no bounds? - Patrick**

 

_ BUT I have the right to veto any of the songs that aren't on brand with the aesthetic of the store _

 

**Wow. What a great compromise. I feel like I have so much equality in the decisions for our store. Please, don’t be too generous. I don’t want everything to be about me and what I want - Patrick**

 

_ So if you’d like to compile a list of songs you would like to put on the playlist by tomorrow and I’ll let you know which ones are correct mmkay _

 

**I feel so privileged. Tell me, can you give someone a sainthood while they’re still alive? Because if anyone deserves it, it’s you - Patrick**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These boys kill me! I imagine David is extremely particular over his music taste - what type of stuff do you think he's in to?


	4. Lean in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place through 'Sebastien Raine'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent forever deciding whether David would tell Patrick about Sebastien and I'm still not completely sure he would tell him this much, but it was really important to me to show that they were vulnerable and genuine with each other before they got together. Enjoy!

_Patrick, it’s David I'm going to be late into the store today I'm sorry_

 

**That's fine, I'm just doing revenue projections today anyway. Everything okay? - Patrick**

 

_Yeah I'm fine_

 

_Well actually someone terrible from my past just came back quite literally to haunt me so that's a thing I'm dealing with_

 

**I'm sorry to hear that. Do you want to talk about it? - Patrick**

 

_No it's fine_

 

_It's just_

 

_He is literally the worst person to walk this earth and my mother decided to invite him here and he’s going to manipulate her like he manipulated me like he manipulates everyone_

 

_And she’s going to love the attention too much to do anything about it_

 

_I should know_

 

_Oh my god this is so intense you don't need me unloading all of this on you I'll stop_

 

**I don't mind, feel free to vent about it. I've got a great pair of listening ears - Patrick**

 

_Okay_

 

**He sounds terrible. What is he doing in Schitt’s Creek? - Patrick**

 

_They’re going to talk about doing some photo shoot which is a terrible idea_

 

_She apparently doesn’t remember that we dated which is completely stupid because I introduced her to him_

 

**Oh, I didn’t realise he was your ex. This must be really difficult, I’m sorry - Patrick**

 

_He’s the most pretentious person you’ll ever meet_

 

_And I say that as the most pretentious person most people meet, according to multiple people including my sister._

 

_And his photos of her will be pretentious and mocking and he’ll use all these stupid faux intelligent words and phrases to make her think it's deep when really he’s just making fun of her_

 

_He called me brave for living in this town. Like he didn’t grow up in some small bumpkin town and only made it as a photographer because I put his work in my gallery_

 

_Okay I don't want to think about this_

 

**I think actually the town is brave for letting you live here, honestly - Patrick**

 

_Hey I am a respected business owner in this town_

 

_I have contributed to many important town things, they're lucky to have me_

 

**Oh yeah, like what? - Patrick**

 

_Well_

 

_I once shot a turkey_

 

_The local Mormons told me I taught them patience and forgiveness once_

 

_I took down Blouse Barn Australia!_

 

**Oh yeah you know what, you're right. You are the hero this town deserves. Whatever would they do without you? - Patrick**

 

_Fortunately for the town, I'm a really generous person_

 

_Okay I'm coming in now I don't want to think about Sebastien any more_

 

**Well luckily for you I have prepared your demand of a list of songs for the store playlist ready for you to veto, so you’ll have a distraction when you get here - Patrick**

 

_If there’s a single Garth Brooks song on there you’ll never see me again_

 

_\--------_

 

**How are you doing? - Patrick**

 

_Better. I got so frustrated by your terrible playlist suggestions that I almost didn’t think about… Everything for a minute._

 

_Don’t think I didn’t notice the crossed out Garth Brooks. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt that it was a joke but you’re on thin ice._

 

**:) - Patrick**

 

_You can’t seriously sign your name to a smiley face, that’s just sad_

 

**:( - Patrick**

 

_Thank you. For keeping me distracted today._

 

**Of course. Don't let him get you down. He's no better than you, don't let him think he is. You're doing amazing things and you're doing them without anyone's help, something he can't say about himself - Patrick**

 

_Well I have your help_

 

**I don't count - Patrick**

 

_What, why????_

 

_Oh my mom just walked in hold on I need to know how it went_

 

**Let me know what she says - Patrick**

 

_Oh my god he took photos of her here_

 

 **That's good,** **isn't it? Now you won't have to see him again and she won't either - Patrick**

 

_No this is the worst possible outcome this is exactly what I was afraid would happen_

 

_Her worst fear is the world seeing the details of her life here and he does not care at all_

 

_Probably finds it funny like always_

 

_I just don't want her to be taken advantage of. She lost everything when we moved here_

 

**Well, you all lost everything - Patrick**

 

_I know, but really she had the most to lose._

 

_My dad lost the business but I think he was never fully happy with our lives back then. He always wanted us to be this close knit family but Alexis and I spent our time anywhere but home and my mom was either away shooting or on too many meds to have a proper conversation._

 

_Alexis spent her life in terrifying situations that she pretended were fun but were really just attention seeking. She travelled the world looking for validation and has only really found it here and even though she acts like she doesn't, she likes it here._

 

_But then my mom grew up in a small town just like here and did everything she could to escape and live the life she knew she deserved. And she's a nightmare but she worked super hard for years and built a life for herself where she could get anything she wanted whenever she wanted it. And then had to watch it crumble and move to a town that reminds her every day of what she ran away from. She hasn't really found a way to replace her old passions like my dad and Alexis have. She would hate me for saying this but she's vulnerable. I hate that he's taken advantage of that._

 

**That's very insightful - Patrick**

 

_I have my moments_

 

**I know you do - Patrick**

 

**What about you? - Patrick**

 

_What about me?_

 

**What changed for you when you moved here? - Patrick**

 

_I escaped people like Sebastien. I knew a lot of Sebastiens back in New York._

 

_There are no Sebastiens living here_

 

_He's an actual monster_

 

_I need some vengeance. My mom needs vengeance._

 

**Vengeance? Okay Iron Man are you going to call Captain America next? - Patrick**

 

_I don't_

 

_I don't know what that means_

 

_I've got to get those photos back Patrick_

 

**How, though? Short of literally stealing his camera I'm not sure what you can do - Patrick**

 

_I wouldn't need to steal the whole camera_

 

_Just the memory card_

 

**Yes but how? - Patrick**

 

_I'll figure it out I guess_

 

_Use some of his tricks against him probably_

 

_Oh I think I know how_

 

_Okay I'm gonna go do something stupid I will talk to you later_

 

_Or tomorrow_

 

**Okay, good luck I guess? - Patrick**

 

**I'd say Avengers Assemble but it would mean nothing to you - Patrick**

 

**Don't be too stupid though, I need you in one piece - Patrick**

 

**To run the store, I mean - Patrick**

 

**Talk to you later - Patrick**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a really interesting chapter to write - they play so well when they're bantering but the moments of sincerity in the show are so wonderful that I wanted some of that here, and Patrick navigating how to comfort and distract David was the perfect opportunity.
> 
> Let me know what you think - did David tell Patrick about Sebastien? Does David have that much insight into his family? Does Patrick actually like superheroes? 
> 
> Just wanted to say a huge thank you to @helvetica_upstart who has listened to me rant and worry about this chapter constantly for the last few days! Also go read Watching through Windows because it's incredible


	5. We both won

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This takes place after Sebastien Raine!

_ Patrick, it's David  _

 

**Hello David, I know it's you - Patrick**

 

_ Okay you literally cannot complain when you sign off  _ every _ text. Even my dad has stopped doing that and he only just learned that it's not called Tweeter  _

 

**:( - Patrick**

 

_ Awww you always know how to make everything worse. It's sweet really  _

 

**:D - Patrick**

 

_ Please don't make this a thing _

 

_ Anyway what are you doing tonight? I thought I would celebrate saving my mother's dignity with some drinks in Elmdale if you wanted to come _

 

_ Not that you have to. You've probably got plans. But if you wanted to. You can.  _

 

_ Alexis will be there and I think she would love to talk to you about like her business class or something  _

 

**Sorry David, I wish I could but I promised Ray that I would go to this business mixer with him tonight as its the last day before my two weeks are up and he wants to celebrate my 'new and exciting venture' - Patrick**

 

_ Oh my god I literally didn't even think about that I'm the worst business partner  _

 

**You've had other things on your mind. We'll have a celebration after we open the store instead - Patrick**

 

_ Yeah we have to decide when that will be at some point  _

 

_ I can't believe I'm going to have to pay you now _

 

**What a hardship it must be for you to reward someone fairly for the hard work they put in to your vision - Patrick**

 

_ My vision was for a suitable frame for my business license, and I fail to see the hard work that was put into that  _

 

**Hey, I spent at least ninety seconds picking out that frame - Patrick**

 

_ Ninety seconds entirely wasted  _

 

**I notice you've not changed it, though - Patrick**

 

_ Well we have to have  _ something  _ in your style in the store or people might forget you work there  _

 

**No one could ever forget my wit, my charm, my winning smile - Patrick**

 

_ Nor could they forget your vast collection of the same shirt in very slightly varied colours  _

 

_ Every day they'll come in desperate to know which of the fifty shades of blue you're wearing that day  _

 

_ Fight to be the first one through the door to see if its periwinkle or duck egg  _

 

**Okay Mr. Monochrome, do not come for my blue when you live in fifty shades of grey - Patrick**

 

**I mean fifty shades of black and white too. Not just grey, obviously - Patrick**

 

_ Yeah. I do like all the grey.  _

 

_ well so anyway have fun with Ray tonight _

 

_ It's a shame you can't come to the bar. maybe you can come next time. If you wanted to  _

 

**I would really like that - Patrick**

 

_ \------ _

 

_ Hiiiiiii Patrick how was the mixer  _

 

**Boring, I'm already back home in bed - Patrick**

 

**How is your night going? - Patrick**

 

_ So good they're doing karaoke  _

 

_ What song shoukd I sing?????  _

 

**Why don’t you pick something from your perfectly curated store playlist - Patrick**

 

_ Songs on that playlist are on brand for the store not for a bar _

 

**After our last conversation about music I’m not sure you want me making such critical decisions in your life - Patrick**

 

_ Come on help meeeeeee _

 

_ I value your opinion  _

 

**Oh you do? Does this mean I can start making creative decisions at the store? - Patrick**

 

_ Don't push it  _

 

_ SOMEONE IS SIGNING TINA TURNER THSI IS NOT A DRILL _

 

_ This is going on the store playlist!!!!!!! _

 

_Oh she's singing it for her_ _boyfriend that is socute_

 

_ Pda is incorrwct but this is nice _

 

**What song is it? - Patrick**

 

_ The best  _

 

_ Pretty much the most romantic song of all tim and they are very sweet  _

 

**Aw is someone a hopeless romantic? - Patrick**

 

_ Ew no _

 

_ It's just. Nice.  _

 

_ I've never really been anyone's best person but it seems like it would be. Ncie _

 

**Not with Sebastien? - Patrick**

 

_ Oh my god NO _

 

_ I was a convenient and willing plaything for him and absolutely  nothing more  _

 

_ At one point I though t he might have been something more for me but  _

 

_ God no  _

 

_ Yesterday proved thta. I felt nothing for him _

 

_ Orobably felt too little considering the methods I used. To steal the card  _

 

_ It feels good to be ovrr that part of my. Life _

 

**Oh. Well I'm happy for you that you got some closure - Patrick**

 

**You'll find your person. I'm sure of it. As long as they can deal with near constant criticism over their taste in music, fashion and… well just about everything - Patrick**

 

_ Maybe. One dsy.  _

 

_ But I csn't help being correct about taste  _

 

_ Speaking of taste someone is doing britney but the wrong britney should I go uo and stop him I think I eill  _

 

_ Who sings lucky for karaoke why would you bring the mood dlwn like tbat  _

 

**Maybe don't interrupt the karaoke, David - Patrick**

 

_ I tried to but thry finished before I cojld oh eell _

 

_ I need to stop drinking zhampagne I should have stuck fo polar bear sbots  _

 

**Aw are you feeling a bit tipsy? I hadn't noticed - Patrick**

 

**I’ll make sure to stock up on painkillers and water and coffee at the store tomorrow - Patrick**

 

_ You ae so nice Why are you so ncie? I’m not nice _

 

_ If yuo had the opportunity to get revenge on a terrible preson  like I did would you do kt?  _

 

_ Of course you wouldn’t you are too nicr _

 

_ I’m not I did it I did the stupid thing and actlualy it felt relly good is that bad I feel great  _

 

_ I took back control _

 

_ I wish yuo would sign off your texts as p again that was nice  _

 

_ You don't have to be so for mal we're friends  _

 

_ I think  _

 

_ Are we?  _

 

_ I hope so _

 

_ OH I'm up I'm signjng mariah talk later _

 

_ I wish yuo had come tonight   _

 

_ :( _

 

_ \-------- _

 

_ Oh my god _

 

_ Please tell me you had some horrible accident that burned your retinas from your eyes so you miraculously can't read any texts that may have been sent last night and that's why you didn't respond  _

 

_ I'm so sorry if I kept you awake I am a gross drunk  _

 

_ I am never drinking again in my life this is it I have sworn off it I will never put myself through a hangover like this again I may actually literally die _

 

_ Can you die from a hangover?  _

 

_ I googled it and you can so it might be right for you to take this time to say goodbye to me  _

 

_ It was nice knowing me, I'm sure  _

 

**Good morning sunshine! Sorry to tell you my eyes are still working. I just fell asleep last night while we were talking. And then I didn't respond this morning because I was on a hike and don't get any signal up there - Patrick**

 

**Do I get your share of the store if you die because of course it was nice knowing you but a whole store to myself would be nice once I got over the hangover death grief - Patrick**

 

_ Don't tease me on my deathbed, you'll regret it when I come back and haunt the store  _

 

**Aw I'd better take you seriously, I don't want your ghost knocking over all the corporate touches I'd implement with immediate effect. You go back to sleep, I'll handle the store today. - Patrick**

 

_ Thank you, for that I'll haunt the motel instead. Talk to you later.  _

 

**Stay hydrated! - Patrick**

 

**Oh and of course we're friends, David - P**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These two are the cutest, what a dream they are to write! Drunk David in particular is wonderful, he's already a man of many words but drunk blabbering David is especially fun. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed!


	6. Buddies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just some stupid fluff between Sebastien Raine and Stop Saying Lice

_ Patrick, it's your friend David.  _

 

**Yes, David. As always, I know. And you're not allowed to complain that I sign my full name any more - P**

 

_ Sorry Penelope, I thought my friend Patrick would want the friend clarification out there  _

 

**I feel like I did a nice thing and I'm being laughed at about it - P**

 

_ I have never and would never laugh at you about anything, Patrick Brewer. I am the height of seriousness. In fact I have never once laughed in my life. Not even one time  _

 

**David, this morning you put on a playlist where every song had the word friend in the title - P**

 

_ Did I? I don't remember doing that. Maybe it was actually you who put it on _

 

**It was your playlist. That you put together. It was called "My friend Patrick" - P**

 

_ Oh that old thing? I just had it lying around from the last time someone dramatically told me we were friends while I was asleep _

 

**How is it that you're the one who was drunk texting and I'm the one who's being laughed at here? - P**

 

_ You just need to up your game Brewer. Make your own playlist _

 

**Oh I'll make a playlist. I'm googling 'best country bands' as we speak - P**

 

_ I would have thought you would avoid being fired on your very first day working just for me   _

 

**Sorry can't talk now, too busy listening to Honky Tonk Badonkadonk - P**

 

_ \----------- _

 

**Good evening buddy - P**

 

_ Oh no no no _

 

_ No we don't do buddy _

 

**Are you sure, pal? - P**

 

_ Pal is worse let's not do this  _

 

**Okay amigo! Do you still need help picking up that inventory tomorrow? - P**

 

_ Yes but not from you _

 

**That's a shame bro, I was looking forward to a road trip! I could have shown you my cool new playlist! - P**

 

_ If you keep this up I'm going to have to ask Alexis to come and then half our inventory would be sampled before it got into the store and you of all people know that's not good business sense so it would be wise for you to stop  _

 

**Alright, homie, I guess if you gotta ask Alexis I'll have to deal with that. And I was so looking forward to playing the license plate game with you - P**

 

_ Okay well I just asked Alexis and she has to study so she can't come  _

 

**Oh mate that's a shame. What will you do now? - P**

 

_ Mate? Are you British now?  _

 

**Yes guv'nor, I'm British. Am I coming tomorrow? - P**

 

_ Stevie's busy with the motel  _

 

**Is that a yes, bud? - P**

 

_ Ugh fine  _

 

**I'll pick you up at the motel at 9.30, old sport - P**

 

_ I don't exist before 10am don't come until then _

 

**You told the vendor we'd be there by 10, dawg - P**

 

_ Okay no you've crossed a line with dawg I will not allow this  _

 

**Sleep well, chum. See you at 9.30 :) - P**

 

**\------------**

 

**Hello sunshine - P**

 

_ Go away  _

 

**Aw is someone grumpy this morning - P**

 

_ Too early  _

 

**It's 9am David - P**

 

_ Not a morning person  _

 

**Oh really? You've never mentioned it - P**

 

_ Please for the love of Mariah let me sleep _

 

**Sorry, I would! But someone planned to pick up inventory this morning - P**

 

_ Who was that because he should be shot _

 

**Oh it was my buddy, but he's been known to make questionable decisions - P**

 

_ Really like what  _

 

**Like putting all of the stuff that people would actually use from our store into the back room no one goes to for purely aesthetic reasons - P**

 

_ Okay but if you think that it's acceptable for plastic mops to be on display I don't know what to tell you  _

 

**People want to buy more than cat scarves, David - P**

 

_ They won't even be buying those now I cancelled the order because you hated them  _

 

**Aw you DO value my opinion! So we can put the mops back out now? - P**

 

_ Don't take advantage of my tiredness to get your way it won't work. I woke up. I'm sharp as a knife. I'm so awake now  _

 

**Oh so I guess you won't need the coffee I'm getting you? I'll get Twyla to put the cocoa powder away - P**

 

_ Well if you've gone to all the trouble to go to the cafe I guess I'll take it _

 

**No, honestly David. I don't want you to get too buzzed on caffeine when you're already so awake! I'll just get her to cancel it its no problem - P**

 

_ No _

 

**And I bought a couple of the blueberry muffins too but I guess you're good, I'll drop them over to Ray before I pick you up - P**

 

_ Please  _

 

_ I want them  _

 

_ I want them so much I'm so tired  _

 

**Sorry I've already given them away, too bad - P**

 

_ What time are you coming over?  _

 

**Well now that I don't have to wait for coffee to be made I'm ready when you are - P**

 

_ I'll be ready in like 20 minutes _

 

_ Bring the muffins and coffee  _

 

_ And if they have cinnamon rolls left I'll take a couple of those too  _

 

_ Maybe some pancakes too?  _

 

**Fine, but only because you're such a good friend - P**

 

_ Be quiet, Penelope.  _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know these two can't be sincere for more than ten seconds at a time so they will tease each other about this for as long as it's even a little bit funny!


	7. A fiber of common sense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set just before Stop Saying Lice!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just some cute extra stuff before we get back to following the episodes!

_ Patrick, it's David, your business partner who is currently actually dying _

 

**Hi David, I can't believe this is the second time you've managed to text me during an untimely demise - P**

 

_ I'm a great multitasker  _

 

_ So anyway I'm about to die  _

 

**That's a shame - P**

 

_ Do you not want to know why _

 

**Oh did you want me to ask why - P**

 

_ I want you to want to know why you're going to have to plan my funeral _

 

**Aw you want me to plan your funeral? Are you sure it won't be too corporate for your tastes if I plan it? - P**

 

_ Patrick  _

 

**David - P**

 

_ PATRICK _

 

**Hey David, quick question. Why are you dying? - P**

 

_ Wow so funny you should ask _

 

_ I'm having to unpack all of the inventory we picked up yesterday all by myself and one of the bottles dropped off the shelf and hit my foot _

 

**So you're dying because you have a bruised foot? - P**

 

_ I'm DYING because I have to continue STOCKING by MYSELF while you are probably watching BASEBALL or something  _

 

**It's 10am what baseball game would be on - P**

 

_ What I'm saying is I'm injured and alone and INJURED  _

 

**David, do you want me to come to the store? - P**

 

_ I thought you'd never ask _

 

**Sorry, I can't right now I'm halfway to Rattlesnake Point - P**

 

_ Ew, like on purpose?  _

 

**No, David. I hiked here by accident - P**

 

_ You like hiking  _

 

**Yes - P**

 

_ I don't. Physical activity is not for me. Well most physical activity  _

 

**Oh really which types of physical activity do you like, David? - P**

 

_ Um you know. I really love  _

 

_ Tennis I like tennis  _

 

**Oh that's great I love tennis maybe we can play on Ronnie's court one day - P**

 

_ Who's Ronnie _

 

**When would you like to go play your favourite sport in the world, David? Tomorrow? Maybe next week we can play doubles with Ronnie and her wife - P**

 

_ Sorry I can't I injured my foot in case you forgot _

 

**Oh yes, sorry, I forgot you were on your deathbed. What a convenient reason for you not to play tennis with me - P**

 

_ It's really put a downer on my pro career, and I was so looking forward to strawberries and cream at Wimbledon  _

 

**Hopefully you will be able to soldier on to at least stock those shelves - P**

 

_ Soldier is correct I'm basically a war hero  _

 

_ Okay I'm unpacking  _

 

_ Quick question  _

 

_ Why did you put a note on the boxes from that delivery saying "send back"  _

 

**They delivered it wrong, I'm going to call the vendor tomorrow to sort it out - P**

 

_ How was it delivered wrong?  _

 

**It didn't come in a refrigerated truck or have ice packs in the boxes - P**

 

_ What? Why would it be refrigerated?  _

 

**Don't all dairy products have to be? - P**

 

_ DAIRY products?  _

 

_ Oh my god its not milk Patrick it's body milk  _

 

_ It's not like buy this it costs $50 pour it over your cereal  _

 

**So it's not for drinking? - P**

 

_ Oh my god _

 

_ It's not milk! It's body milk! Milk for your body!  _

 

**In my defense it looks like some organic fancy goats milk or yaks milk or something and the label doesn't help - P**

 

_ What body did you think it came from? _

 

**I mean technically all milk comes from a body - P**

 

_ Yes but why would we want to specify  _

 

**You might want to change the label then, people might misunderstand - P**

 

_ Anyone with a fiber of common sense would know that it's not actually milk _

 

**Oh sorry I didn't realise that I didn't have even a fiber of common sense. I thought I had** **_some_ ** **common sense but I must have been mistaken. Although not realising that makes sense because of the whole fiber thing - P**

 

_ What else would it be Patrick? Why would I be buying $50 milk?  _

 

**I hear a local farm does a great trade on raw milk, it could have been code for that? - P**

 

_ Raw milk is illegal, we're not selling illegal stuff  _

 

**True, although Mr Hockley seems a bit sketchy. But what do I know? I don't have even a fiber of common sense - P**

 

_ Thank god you've got me here to educate you _

 

**Oh yeah thank god - P**

 

_ So I guess I have to unpack all of this now? With my potentially fatal injuries?  _

 

**One of the benefits of having not even a fiber of common sense is I get to leave these important and difficult jobs for you - P**

 

_ Hm OK I think I'll leave all this for tomorrow so I can tend to all the many undoubtedly broken bones in my foot  _

 

**Careful, though, we may not be able to get you back to pro status but Ronnie just called to say she is down for doubles so maybe we can organise some physio for your poor poor foot - P**

 

_ Hmm drink bleach _

 

**Maybe I'll drink that delicious body milk instead, it should have the same effect. Especially if it's not refrigerated - P**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say a massive thank you to everyone leaving kudos and commenting, I'm completely blown away by the support this little fic has! I'm having such fun writing it and I'm so glad you are all enjoying reading it! It means the world to me! 
> 
> Also special thanks to the discord for forcing me to write when I kept getting distracted!


	8. I like this for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place during Stop Saying Lice

_ Patrick  _

 

**David - P**

 

_ I just wanted to tell you that I don't think I have lice _

 

**Oh thank god you let me know, I've been worried sick all night thinking about whether you would survive this traumatic experience - P**

 

_ I'm glad you understand the severity of the situation, most other people have disregarded my pain and anxiety  _

 

**Of course there's always the possibility that they got into your sheets and are waiting for you when you go back to the motel - P**

 

**But then who am I to talk? I don't have a fiber of common sense. You can ignore me - P**

 

_ I mean I literally can't ignore you that's a horrible gross thing to say and I will never be able to sleep in the motel again  _

 

_ Maybe I'll be homeless _

 

_ Can you imagine me? Homeless?  _

 

_ Maybe I could live in that guy's barn that Alexis abandoned  _

 

_ Oh god maybe I'll have to live with Stevie that would be the worst  _

 

**I take it it's going great at Stevie's then? Has she tried to kill you yet? - P**

 

_ Not yet but I might kill her if she doesn't find me something to eat soon _

 

**Oh is someone hungry? How new and different for you - P**

 

_ Do you have food?  _

 

**Like in front of me or in general? Because yes to both - P**

 

_ You really are Bill Gates  _

 

_ I have a boiled egg _

 

**Wow, I knew you lived a life of luxury in the past, David. Didn't know you still did - P**

 

_ Tell me about the food you've got maybe I'll get full by osmosis or something  _

 

**I've got a grilled chicken salad. Did that fill you up? - P**

 

_ You can fill me up any time Patrick  _

 

_ Oh my god don't read that it was Stevie  _

 

_ Who is thirteen years old _

 

_ Not literally ew that would be gross  _

 

_ But her mind is 13 _

 

_ Anyway she's weird you know stevie  _

 

**I actually only met Stevie today so I don't know her really - P**

 

_ Oh you shouldn't try to get to know her she's the worst  _

 

**I imagine her to be the girl version of you - P**

 

_ Ew oh my god no ew  _

 

_ She's like if Bella from Twilight and the Grim Reaper procreated  _

 

**So does she always carry a scythe? - P**

 

_ A what _

 

**The pointy axe thing - P**

 

_ I have no idea what that is but no the only things she always wears are flannel and a sarcastic expression  _

 

_ Oh she says she wishes she had a scythe so she could murder me  _

 

_ How sweet _

 

**Stevie, see if your father, the Grim Reaper, can give you his. I'm sure he wouldn't mind giving it up for a minute for such a worthy cause - P**

 

_ She says  _

 

_ Actually you know what no _

 

_ Stop making fun of me together while using me as a middle man to communicate that's not fun  _

 

_ Just text her yourself  _

 

_ Okay I didn't mean literally _

 

_ How did you even get each others numbers  _

 

_ Oh so this is literally how it's going to be is it  _

 

_ How delightful for me  _

 

_ I love to be ignored by two people at once  _

 

_ Also we failed to talk about what a sad dinner a grilled chicken salad is…like are you okay  _

 

_ Did you at least have any sides I love sides  _

 

_ I'm still so hungry  _

 

_ I'd probably even eat your gross salad  _

 

_ Okay I'm literally being ignored by both of you now so I'm going to sleep  _

 

**No don't - P**

 

**I'm sorry we're not ignoring you - P**

 

**Stevie says she's sorry too - P**

 

_ Stevie is LITERALLY lying next to me why can't she apologise herself  _

 

**Why can't you ask her that yourself if she's next to you? - P**

 

_ She's ignoring me and putting Twilight on _

 

_ Which is actually a solid choice Robert Pattinson is a very sweet man he bought a piece from my gallery once  _

 

**I've never seen Twilight - P**

 

_ Oh my god Patrick is that a joke  _

 

**I mean I think I saw a trailer for it once. It's the sparkly wizard one right? - P**

 

_ WIZARD _

 

_ Okay we are rectifying this IMMEDIATELY we're having a Twilight marathon like soon when are you free  _

 

**Do I have to watch these movies? Is it required viewing for knowing you? - P**

 

_ Okay you're joking but yes there are requirements  _

 

**And what happens if I've not seen these required viewings? Is it like the country thing will you fire me? - P**

 

_ Normally yes but I need you too much  _

 

_ To help me with the store  _

 

_ Not like  _

 

_ Anyway _

 

_ So I'll be okay with you not seeing them as long as you make sure you do watch them within ten working days  _

 

**Ten whole working days? How generous of you to give me weekends off - P**

 

_ I'll make a list and give it to you tomorrow.  _

 

_ There will be quizzes to make sure you've actually watched  _

 

**I'm so impressed David - P**

 

_ By what  _

 

**You've somehow managed to make movie viewing sound like hard work - P**

 

**Speaking of hard work what time do you want to meet at the store tomorrow? - P**

 

_ My dad wants us to meet him and mom at some garden opening disgustingly early so I'll need a lot of coffee before I can deal with store stuff  _

 

**Why don't we go for breakfast before we head in? Then at least I can make sure there's enough caffeine in you that you won't be a nightmare all morning - P**

 

_ Will that be a write off?  _

 

**Sure, let's make it a team meeting breakfast, we can talk about the store opening - P**

 

_ Oh so it's a business thing ok. Sure. So I'll meet you at like 10? At the cafe?  _

 

**Sounds good to me - P**

 

_ Stevie fell asleep she's a terrible host  _

 

_ I bet you're a great host you're so _

 

_ Polite  _

 

**Well I'm not asleep yet so I'm already doing a better job right - P**

 

_ Oh I'm sorry am I keeping you up  _

 

**I mean I was going to wake up early tomorrow to go for a hike but it's okay, I like talking to you - P**

 

_ I like talking to you too  _

 

_ But go to sleep we can talk tomorrow  _

 

**Are you sure? - P**

 

_ Yeah it gives me a chance to make the movie list  _

 

**Oh god maybe I'll stay awake then - P**

 

_ No shhhh go to sleep _

 

_ I'll sing you a lullaby  _

 

_ Hush baby Patrick don't say a thing mamas gonna buy you a diamond ring  _

 

**Wow I'm so sleepy now. See you for breakfast - P**

 

_ 10am sharp _

 

_ Ish _

 

**Goodnight David - P**

 

_ Goodnight Patrick _

 

**Sleep tight. Don't let the lice bite - P**

 

_ Oh wow I hate you _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little tidbit before all of the amazing OFN fics drop! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it - I had a small crisis of faith over my characterisation in this chapter for some reason! So feedback on that is appreciated (as is feedback on everything).
> 
> Enjoy OFN friends, I am away until 2nd July now so whole I hope to get a chapter up in that time I'm sorry if I don't!


	9. Just as you are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is set between Stop Saying Lice and Friends and Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long time no see! Here's some pure fluff as David and Patrick watch Bridget Jones' Diary together.
> 
> You should be find to follow if you've not watched the film, but if you haven't watched it I would highly recommend it. David isn't joking when he says it's a classic. 
> 
> Enjoy!

_ Patrick  _

 

**David - P**

 

_ What are you doing for the next 97 minutes  _

 

**Well coincidentally I have plans that start in exactly 98 minutes so I am free as a bird. Why? - P**

 

_ Number six on my list of movies you need to watch is on right now and you need to turn it on right this second I insist  _

 

_ You have no choice in this  _

 

**As much joy as that list brought me, I don't happen to keep it on my person at all times so you're going to have to remind me what number six is - P**

 

_ The one _

 

_ The only _

 

_ Bridget Jones' Diary _

 

_ A veritable classic  _

 

**Oh the British Renèe Zellweger one - P**

 

_ The very one  _

 

_ Now I know what you're thinking.  _

 

_ Does she get away with the accent? _

 

_ And the answer is yes she does, she's a genius and flawless and this needs to be seen turn your TV on _

 

**That is absolutely what I was thinking, thank you for your reassurance in this vital matter. I'm thankful that I don't have to wonder forever if she can get away with the accent - P**

 

_ Turn your TV on _

 

**It's on - P**

 

_ Is it on the right channel _

 

**Damn you got me I was watching baseball - P**

 

_ So it's on?  _

 

**It's on - P**

 

_ What's happening  _

 

**Are you joking, do you not trust me? - P**

 

_ I trust you I want to make sure there's no lag so I don't tell you things before they happen  _

 

**How noble of you - P**

 

_ What's happening  _

 

**She just saw the dad from Mamma Mia - P**

 

_ See now aren't you glad I made you watch mamma mia so you could make that reference?  _

 

**I'm overjoyed - P**

 

_ You sound it  _

 

_ Colin Firth is so great in this   _

 

**Wasn't he Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudice too why does he have the same name? - P**

 

_ My dear sweet Patrick your knowledge of wonderful media is increasing every day and I could cry I've never been this proud of you _

 

**I mean I literally got all the grants that meant you could stay in business but I'm glad that this is what makes you proud - P**

 

_ Yes he is Mr Darcy in both. No spoilers but its a loose pride and prejudice adaptation  _

 

**David. You can't say no spoilers and then just tell me the entire plot of the movie - P**

 

_ I'm.. sorry?  _

 

_ It's actually criminal that they try to make us believe that Renee is anything but absolutely gorgeous in these movies. They want us to think she's frumpy? They think we are going to sit there and go "oh yeah that's a below average looking woman"?  _

 

**Yeah she's pretty - P**

 

_ The whole cast are hot to be honest Hugh Grant was basically my sexual awakening  _

 

**Hugh Grant is in this? - P**

 

_ Yeah why do you like him  _

 

**Well he's a great actor. I like how good he is at acting flustered. It's nice - P**

 

_ Nice  _

 

_ Okay _

 

_ I think it's hot  _

 

**Sure - P**

 

_ There he is  _

 

_ He's like never flustered in these films let's watch  Notting Hill next that's like ultimate fluster  _

 

**Sounds good - P**

 

_ Do you like it so far?  _

 

**David it's been ten minutes - P**

 

_ Yeah and what do you think of the first ten minutes  _

 

**Well now that I'm over the worry about her accent and can settle into it, I think it's just great - P**

 

_ Thank god  _

 

**Renee and Hugh Grant are being wildly unprofessional in the workplace here - P**

 

_ Oh come on a little office flirting never hurt anyone _

 

_ Plus it's literally Hugh Grant who wouldn't _

 

**What if someone caught them though - P**

 

_ Tell me you've never flirted with anyone at work  _

 

_ A little banter, finding excuses to touch someone when you don't need to, lingering looks when you hope they're focusing on their own work _

 

_ It's fun come on _

 

**Oh. Yeah. Okay. Yeah you're right - P**

 

_ Yeah. I am _

 

**Is that why you worked at the Blouse Barn? So you could flirt with Wendy all day? - P**

 

_ You caught me, I just can't help myself when I'm doing inventory it really gets me hot _

 

_ Uh anyway _

 

_ Colin is back _

 

**Does he swim in this one too? - P**

 

_ Oh I wish. Hugh does get in the water at one point though so not all hope is lost  _

 

_ I can't believe you've never seen this  _

 

**I can't believe you've never seen Moneyball - P**

 

_ Listen even Brad Pitt can't make me watch a movie about sports  _

 

_ Unless it's Bend it like Beckham _

 

_ ADD THAT TO THE LIST  _

 

**I've seen Bend it Like Beckham, actually - P**

 

_ Good to know your taste level rises to the occasion once in a while  _

 

**Wow, Hugh Grant is a terrible person here - P**

 

_ Oh yeah he's the worst  _

 

_ Not to spoil anything but the vindication is amazing _

 

**David please stop telling me everything that happens in this movie - P**

 

_ Sorry _

 

_ I've watched it about a thousand times so I forget not everyone knows everything   _

 

**I somehow feel like you're not even exaggerating with that number - P**

 

_ Yeah it's probably more to be honest  _

 

_ The thing is _

 

_ I've known a lot of Hugh Grants you know  _

 

_ And it's nice to see a Bridget get a happy ending _

 

_ When you've felt like a Bridget a lot  _

 

_ Uh ignore that  _

 

**I don't want to ignore it, do you want to talk about it? - P**

 

_ Okay I can tell you're trying to be nice but please ignore me, the best scene in the movie is coming up  _

 

**Okay but just know that not everyone is a Hugh Grant - P**

 

_ Patrick  _

 

_ I'm serious _

 

_ Watch the pretty boy tell the pretty girl he likes her  _

 

**Just as he is - P**

 

***She - P**

 

_ Yeah. Just as she is _

 

_ It's so nice  _

 

**You really love these movies, are we a secret hopeless romantic? - P**

 

_ Ew no I just appreciate the early 90s to mid 2000s aesthetic and the art of the powerhouse actresses that graced us with their performances  _

 

_ Do not get me started on Julia Stiles and the mark she made on the cinematic landscape  _

 

**I won't - P**

 

_ No actually you should get me started I have a lot of correct opinions here  _

 

**Oh you do? Good for you - P**

 

_ So in the seminal piece of art, Ten Things I Hate About You, I like to believe Julia Stiles paved the way for the deluge of modern classic literature adaptations in fun movies. I know what you're going to say, surely Alicia Silverstone did that with Clueless and you would be correct but Clueless could have been a one off hit. 10 things was the second big movie like this, and marked a generational affection towards that kind of rom com adaptation, which allowed Bridget Jones to be the wild success it was. I'm not sure they could have drawn the stardom of the main trio if Julia hadn't made 10 things so special  _

 

**You've thought about this a lot - P**

 

_ I'm never not thinking about it  _

 

**So your love for these films is nothing to do with the pretty boys and girls - P**

 

_ I mean. They're not difficult to watch  _

 

_ Especially Colin Firth there's something about a very nice, vaguely repressed man that makes me weak  _

 

**I'll give him a call, put a good word in for you - P**

 

_ I didn't realise you know him  _

 

**Oh yeah we're buddies - P**

 

_ Are you part of a nice guys club together _

 

**Yes, I'm a card carrying member. The scouts say "be prepared", we say "be polite". We never get anything done though because we get stuck holding the doors for each other all the time - P**

 

_ I knew it, you and Colin would make great friends _

 

_ I forgot to watch the movie for a while and nearly missed my favourite bit  _

 

**I thought the "just as you are" bit was your favourite bit - P**

 

_ That was the best bit, this is my favourite bit  _

 

**How are they not the same? - P**

 

_ I don't know I don't make the movie rules  _

 

**I finally see why you see yourself in Bridget, you would absolutely make blue soup - P**

 

_ I am offended I am an excellent cook  _

 

**David, you needed a YouTube tutorial last week on how to brew tea - P**

 

_ I made enchiladas once! That's not easy!  _

 

**No you're totally right, you're a chef. Especially now you know how to fold cheese - P**

 

_ Who told you that _

 

**You did - P**

 

_ Do I literally never stop talking  _

 

**Literally never - P**

 

_ That must be really fun for you  _

 

**I wouldn't be working with you if it wasn't fun for me - P**

 

_ Oh _

 

_ Thank you _

 

_ Bridget is going to confess her love! This is the greatest part!  _

 

**So you've got a best, favourite and greatest moments? Any other descriptors I need to be aware of? - P**

 

_ Most romantic  _

 

**Ah and here I thought you weren't a hopeless romantic - P**

 

_ I may be a small fan of the romance  _

 

_ It's nice okay  _

 

**So what's the most romantic moment then? - P**

 

_ I can't tell you _

 

**Why not? - P**

 

_ You'll get upset that I've spoiled you _

 

**Okay tell me when it is - P**

 

_ It's soon  _

 

_ This movie made me want to be British  _

 

_ I used to go around saying things like bloody hell because I thought it was so cool  _

 

**I can't decide if that's sweet or embarrassing - P**

 

_ Both. Always both when it comes to Bridget Jones _

 

_ Okay the bit is happening _

 

**The kiss? - P**

 

_ Well that's nice but I love that he was so thoughtful when he got her that diary  _

 

_ He knows it's important to her and wanted to do something special for her  _

 

_ It's sweet  _

 

_ The kiss is also nice  _

 

_ Nice guys don't kiss like that is such an iconic line _

 

_ I wonder if it's true  _

 

**I'll ask the nice guys club and let you know - P**

 

_ Yeah please do  _

 

_ Uh anyway the end  _

 

**Okay that movie was actually very fun - P**

 

_ What would you give it out of ten  _

 

**Based on what? - P**

 

_ What do you mean based on what _

 

**Well like, based on the performances? How much it made me laugh? How attractive the actors are? My favourite bit or the best bit or the most romantic bit? - P**

 

_ I don't know like a general score?  _

 

**I can't decide right now, I may need to make a spreadsheet for all these movies - P**

 

_ I would LOVE that _

 

_ Probably the only spreadsheet I will ever love  _

 

**I'd start it now but I'd better go. We have to be up early to deal with that delivery - P**

 

_ Oh my god please don't make me wake up early _

 

**I'll bring you so many coffees. I even bought cocoa to dust because Twyla has literally never remembered to - P**

 

_ That's  _

 

_ So nice _

 

**So you'll come in? - P**

 

_ Oh!! They're playing the Bridget Jones sequel tomorrow night _

 

**Okay David when I said I enjoyed it I meant in like a casual way, not a watch this every day kind of way - P**

 

_ I'll come in extra early if you watch it with me  _

 

**Bloody hell, you've got a deal - P**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! It took me a minute to get back into their voices after being away for a while so I hope it all sounds good!
> 
> Special thanks to the discord for helping me out with some of the extra sappy parts of this chapter and making sure it stayed true to the characters!


	10. Sloppy mouth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This takes place during Friends and Family!

_ Patrick we have a problem  _

 

**What is it? - P**

 

_ I think I'm going to have to change the store playlist  _

 

**Not enough Mariah? - P**

 

_ I mean, there's literally never enough Mariah but that is not the problem _

 

**So what's going on - P**

 

_ I was in the store today and this song came on and I was _

 

**You were… - P**

 

_ I was  _

 

_ Uh _

 

_ Dancing a tiny bit  _

 

**Oh really?! Was it a tango? A square dance? A pop and lock? - P**

 

_ That is irrelevant _

 

**Oh no, David. I need to set the scene here, for the sake of understanding your situation fully. Were you waltzing with a broom? - P**

 

_ No brooms, no _

 

_ There may have been a uh _

 

_ A bottle of body milk being used as a microphone  _

 

**Careful David, people might see you holding it near your mouth and think you're drinking it - P**

 

_ Okay so I'm going to ignore that because I'm too embarrassed to laugh at you right now  _

 

_ Because someone did see me  _

 

_ And not just anyone my friend  _

 

_ Oh no the fates aren't kind enough to me to allow like Ray to see me, who would probably have joined in and made it less awkward _

 

_ Or even you, the king of teasing, would have been better than this  _

 

**Oh David you're not about to tell me what I think you're about to tell me - P**

 

_ Yes Patrick  _

 

_ Roland Schitt walked in on me dancing to Tina Turner  _

 

_ And told me, and I quote, "you've not got the gams for Tina, Dave"  _

 

**Dave! - P**

 

_ Oh no. No we don't do Dave.  _

 

**But why, it suits you so well! - P**

 

_ I'm going to need to look up the legality of firing someone over a nickname  _

 

**What about Davey? Big D? D-Rose? - P**

 

_ Why must you always torture me in my time of need _

 

 **Will I** **get to see this dancing? - P**

 

_ Absolutely never  _

 

**Come on David, I'm sure you looked good - P**

 

_ Thanks _

 

_ Never _

 

**So Roland gets the privilege of watching you dance and I never will? And here I thought we were friends - P**

 

_ I don't dance in front of people unless I'm drunk or stoned or both _

 

**We've got some cheap wine in the store, let's share a couple of bottles and break out some moves - P**

 

_ Oh my god why do you want to see this so much?  _

 

**Well now I know you have a sloppy mouth and I just want to see if your dance moves are sloppy too - P**

 

_ My dance moves are absolutely not sloppy  _

 

**They're nice, clean dance moves then? - P**

 

_ The cleanest  _

 

**And here I thought Dirty Dancing was one of your favourite movies - P**

 

**No one puts Davey in a corner - P**

 

_ I'm equally impressed by your ability to quote this movie to me and unimpressed by your continuation of that name - P _

 

**I'm having the time of my life, Dave - P**

 

_ Don't make me regret showing you these cinematic masterpieces, Patrick  _

 

**So what do you want on the playlist then? - P**

 

_ I don't know, nothing anyone will get distracted by _

 

_ I don't need customers hearing me accidentally singing Celine Dion while I am getting their change  _

 

**Obviously country is out of the question, what about a classical vibe - P**

 

_ No I'm not having like opera in the store  _

 

_ Maybe like soft jazz I guess  _

 

_ Let's try out a couple of things and see where we go  _

 

_ It's got to be right  _

 

**It will be - P**

 

_ So Friday _

 

**It'll be weird that it's not just us in the bubble or the store now - P**

 

_ Yeah _

 

_ We have to share it with other people  _

 

_ Weird _

 

**Are you sure you're happy to open now? - P**

 

_ Uh yeah  _

 

_ Sure  _

 

_ But I'm going to need you to make a list of everyone you want to come to the opening and we're going to have a guest list so we can be sure we know who will be there  _

 

**But you're not worried that people won't come - P**

 

_ No I just like confirmation  _

 

_ So send me a list and I'll approve the names and we can make sure we get in enough refreshments for the list  _

 

**Oh you'll approve the names will you? - P**

 

_ Yep  _

 

**I hope no one gets vetoed that would be embarrassing for them - P**

 

_ I'd only veto like terrible people  _

 

**So there's no point inviting Roland back for an encore - P**

 

_ Absolutely not  _

  
  


_ \----- _

  
  


_ Hi Patrick it's David  _

 

**Hi David, why are you texting me from the back room, just come through here - P**

 

_ This is going to sound dramatic _

 

**You? Dramatic? Never! - P**

 

_ I just need to talk to you about something  _

 

**Have you lost your voice in the last ten minutes? - P**

 

_ No _

 

_ I just _

 

_ Let me do this okay  _

 

**Okay David, but turn off the keyboard sound on your phone so I don't have to hear you typing. Suspension of disbelief you know - P**

 

_ Okay I'm having a moment here Patrick  _

 

**Click clack click clack - P**

 

_ Oh my god okay it's off  _

 

**What do you want to talk about? - P**

 

**Well, type about - P**

 

_ I really want this store to do well _

 

**I do too - P**

 

_ Okay but  _

 

_ I really need this store to do well  _

 

**Why wouldn't it? It's a brilliant idea and I think we've executed it really well - P**

 

_ Because _

 

_ Okay  _

 

_ So in my other life I had my own business _

 

**The art gallery - P**

 

_ Yeah  _

 

_ And I thought it was successful  _

 

_ It was something I was really passionate about and contrary to what Alexis and Perez Hilton and most people I knew said, I tried hard on it  _

 

**I don't doubt it - P**

 

_ I tried really hard, I did it all myself, I found the artists, found my own space, I even tried to do some of the business stuff  _

 

**So you're telling me you do know how to use Microsoft Excel? I knew you were lying when you said you'd never heard of it - P**

 

_ Trust me it's better that you do that stuff _

 

_ Anyway the gallery was successful! Or I thought it was  _

 

**What happened? - P**

 

_ It's humiliating  _

 

**You can tell me, I don't judge. Unless it's socks and sandals which I have learnt that I should judge after your speech yesterday - P**

 

_ Okay _

 

_ So  _

 

_ Turns out  _

 

_ My parents paid off a bunch of people to buy my stuff  _

 

**Why would they do that? - P**

 

_ Because they could and they probably didn't want something under the Rose name to fail _

 

_ I don't even care that they bought the people off _

 

**I mean, you should. No offense to Mr and Mrs Rose - P**

 

_ Okay I do that was really terrible _

 

_ But the worst thing is that they didn't even let me try, they just assumed I was going to fail  _

 

_ So they did what they knew to and threw money at it and let me think I was doing this great thing  _

 

_ So I'm never going to know if it would have worked  _

 

**You can be successful without their input, David - P**

 

_ Thanks _

 

**And more than that, you're not the person you were then. You're surrounded by people who will support you now. We're all here for you, David and will continue to support you, not because we have to or just because we can but because we want to - P**

 

_ Oh _

 

_ Okay anyway now you know why I may have been a little weird about the opening earlier  _

 

**Thank you for telling me, David. The store is going to be successful. You've worked really hard on it and everything is in place to make it thrive - P**

 

_ We _

 

**We what - P**

 

_ We've both worked really hard  _

 

**Yes we have. But this store is your baby and it will be a success because of you and your plans. I'm just the numbers guy - P**

 

_ No you're not  _

 

**Oh. Well, thank you. Anyway enough worrying, it won't be a success if we stand around texting each other all day - P**

 

_ Right _

 

_ Yeah _

 

**So maybe while you're back there you can call the electrician? - P**

 

_ Yeah sure yeah  _

 

_ And you can work on your guest list for Friday  _

 

**Can you bring out some of those chips when you come back through? - P**

 

_ Sure, shall I get a bag for me too? Or does the sloppy mouth sharing thing only apply to beverages?  _

 

**I don't know, David. My clean mouth has already been made sloppy from the juice sharing so maybe it doesn't matter any more - P**

 

_ I knew I'd infect you with sloppy mouth disease eventually, what a shame  _

 

**It can't be helped, these things happen - P**

 

**Come on, bring your sloppy mouth out here and get back to work. We've got a store to open Dave! - P**

 

_ We sure do, Ricky _

 

**Oh no, we don't do Ricky - P**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to get the whole of Friends and Family into this chapter, but it took me a million years to write so I thought this was a natural stopping point! So just some fun and some worrying from David here before we get to the good stuff :)
> 
> I hope you enjoyed!


	11. Softly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This takes place during Friends and Family

_ Patrick _

 

**David**

 

_ It's today  _

 

**Why yes, indeed. Today is, actually, today. Well observed - P**

 

_ Oh my god stop _

 

**Someone's bright and sunny this morning - P**

 

_ I didn't sleep well AT ALL _

 

_ I couldn't stop thinking about how we're going to fit like Twyla's third cousin twice removed who just got out of a cult into the store _

 

**I ordered a lot of extra wine so at least everyone that comes will be drunk? - P**

 

_ And my parents decided to leave the monstrosity of the family portrait in our room overnight so I had younger, thinner, richer David watching over me like a spectre to haunt the few dreams I managed to get, taunting me and telling me I would fail again _

 

**Sounds like someone needs a coffee - P**

 

_ Are you not nervous at all?  _

 

**Kind of, but I'm mostly excited that we're actually getting to put everything we've worked at to the test - P**

 

_ To the TEST? Like it's a game?  _

 

**No, David. It's not a game - P**

 

_ What time are you coming to the store?  _

 

**I don't think there's much point in coming before lunch, everything is ready and we'd just be waiting around which I don't think is great for either of us right now - P**

 

_ Does that mean I can go back to sleep?  _

 

**I've asked Twyla to bring you some cinnamon rolls at 11, sleep until then and I'll see you at 1 - P**

 

_ What did I do to deserve you as a business partner?  _

 

**Smoked a joint and sent me nine awkward voicemails and thirteen awkward texts - P**

 

_ Why did I ever tell you about the context behind those messages  _

 

_ Will you ever let me forget  _

 

**Nope - P**

 

_ It was not thirteen texts  _

 

**It absolutely was thirteen - P**

 

_ You're exaggerating it was like five  _

 

**David, it was thirteen - P**

 

_ How do you know do you have like photographic memory _

 

**Well David, texts are stored on magical devices called cellphones and you can do this thing called scrolling where you can go back and read previous messages - P**

 

_ Wow Patrick you do know how to use technology, here I thought you were 90 years old  _

 

**Okay I think it's time for your nap! Have a good sleep! - P**

 

_ Thanks, have a good…  _

 

_ Uh _

 

_ What are you gonna do until we open?  _

 

**I think I'm going to go on a hike - P**

 

_ Ew what it's like 4am how are you prepared to do exercise right now  _

 

**Okay well first of all it's 8am - P**

 

_ Early is early  _

 

**Just want to get some of this nervous energy out - P**

 

_ I thought you weren't really nervous  _

 

**Oh yeah, well I guess I'm more nervous than I thought. Anyway sleep well - P**

 

_ Hike well! _

 

**\-------**

 

_ Oh my god _

 

_ Did we really do that??????  _

 

**Do what? - P**

 

_ Oh you know, we finally managed to reach that top shelf to dust it. Real victory for team Rose Apothecary  _

 

**They thought we'd never do it and we proved them all wrong - P**

 

_ Did they? Think we couldn't do it _

 

**No, David. Everyone had faith in you and the store - P**

 

**And they were right to, it was a great success - P**

 

_ I wouldn't call me successful yet, like you said we could be 25% richer if it wasn't for me  _

 

**No, I think you were right to trust Gwen Stefani - P**

 

_ Uh _

 

_ What _

 

**You know, with gloop or whatever its called - P**

 

_ GLOOP _

 

_ Thank you Patrick  _

 

_ For trying _

 

_ You're failing so miserably but it's sweet that you're trying  _

 

_ Gwyneth Paltrow and Goop are grateful  _

 

**Hey I'm just the business person here - P**

 

_ I know and you're so good at it  _

 

**Look at you: successful without a bit of input from your parents - P**

 

**Did you know they teamed up with Roland and Jocelyn to try to get me to give them everything for free with four 25% discounts - P**

 

_ Oh my god why am I related to them  _

 

**They were really proud of you, your mom came over to tell me so herself - P**

 

_ What really?  _

 

**Well not in so many words. I believe her actual phrasing was "this afternoon has been illuminating, my son has proven himself to be a sedulous young entrepreneur." - P**

 

_ High praise from her  _

 

**To be honest I had to Google what sedulous means but yes, very high praise - P**

 

_ Listen Patrick I just wanted to say thank you so much for all your support and help with the store. I don't think I could have done it without you x _

 

**Oh are we doing x's now? - P**

 

_ I was just trying to be, like, extra sincere _

 

**How would I go about an x would it be before or after I sign my name - P**

 

**Like would it be here x - P**

 

**Or here - P x**

 

_ You could just like not sign your name and not have any worries about this  _

 

_ I know who you are  _

 

_ Okay I'm so tired I just dropped the phone on my face so I need to sleep _

 

_ Talk to you tomorrow  _

 

**Goodnight David. And you're welcome. I'm always here for you x - P x**

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to be honest I'm not happy with this chapter at all, but it is what it is! I'm just so excited to get towards Grad Night that I'm eager to post this. I hope you all enjoyed it anyway, and thank you all so much for your gorgeous comments and support, particularly the amazing discord gang!


	12. Celebrations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This takes place between Friends and Family and Grad Night

_ Okay who's idea was it to open on weekends because I am going to fight them _

 

**"The store will be a staple part of the town so local people feel like they can come in whenever for whatever. It's a shop by the community for the community and it has to feel convenient for them to visit, so it'll need to be open for at least half days on weekends" - P**

 

_ Who said that  _

 

**You did - P**

 

_ When????  _

 

_ That doesn't sound like me  _

 

**In your voicemails - P**

 

_ Oh right  _

 

**You were very eloquent that day - P**

 

_ You're mocking me  _

 

**Never - P**

 

_ I wish I hadn't said it I was an idiot  _

 

_ So _

 

_ What if  _

 

_ Maybe  _

 

_ We didn't open today _

 

**David we can't not open on the first ever Saturday - P**

 

_ Why we make the rules  _

 

**Afternoon David will regret Morning David's decision if we don't open. And I don't want to upset afternoon David he's the one who pays me - P**

 

_ Well morning David hates afternoon David  _

 

**I've got an idea that may cheer both of you up- P**

 

_ Is it about the store layout because thank you but we are not accepting feedback at this moment in time  _

 

**No, but good to know that all the creative decisions are still in your hands - P**

 

_ They are _

 

_ They always will be _

 

_ Need I remind you of the frame _

 

**I like to think my frame choosing abilities have improved just through spending so much time with you - P**

 

_ I doubt it _

 

**Oh, I think so. You're not quiet about what you think is incorrect - P**

 

_ It's not what I THINK is correct this isn't a subjective thing  _

 

**Ah, of course. Taste isn't subjective - P**

 

_ Not when it's good _

 

_ Anyway _

 

_ I'm intrigued what's the idea  _

 

**Well we said a while back that we would celebrate the store opening - P**

 

_ We did _

 

**And the store is now open - P**

 

_ It is _

 

**So I think we should celebrate - P**

 

_ We should  _

 

**Are you free tonight? - P**

 

_ I am. I'll make sure night time David comes he's much better than morning David  _

 

**I like morning David. And afternoon David - P**

 

**I've not met night time David so I'll reserve judgement until I do - P**

 

_ Night time David is better than all other Davids he's the one that gets to do all the fun stuff  _

 

**I look forward to fun with him - P**

 

_ Mmm. Me too  _

 

**We should invite Stevie and Alexis along too so we can all celebrate together - P**

 

_ Oh. Yeah.  _

 

_ Sure of course _

 

**Will they be free? - P**

 

_ Stevie doesn't have a life so she'll be there _

 

_ Alexis just passed her exams so we can pretend it's for her too and make her happy after the drama with Ted and the pencil  _

 

**What pencil drama? Is he still complaining about the price? He nearly didn't buy it when he found out how much it was and has asked me twice to start listing the prices on all our stuff - P**

 

_ It's sweet that you think that we would call that drama  _

 

_ You need to spend more time with Alexis she will teach you real drama _

 

**I feel like I'm learning more about drama every day by getting to know you - P**

 

_ Me?  _

 

_ Dramatic?  _

 

_ How dare you  _

 

**No, you're right. You're the most level headed person I know - P**

 

_ Correct _

 

_ Between the drama and the frame choosing it sounds like you're learning a lot from me Ricky _

 

**You have no idea - P**

 

**Don't call me Ricky - P**

 

**Unless you want me to call you bro again - P**

 

_ Oh my god no _

 

_ Never again _

 

**So what was the pencil drama? - P**

 

_ Oh Alexis and Ted kissed by accident last week and then he gave her a pencil last night and didn't kiss her again it'd been a whole thing  _

 

**I feel like there's more to that story… what is the relevance of the pencil? - P**

 

_ Are you questioning my storytelling abilities  _

 

**Absolutely not, it was the best story I've ever heard. It had a beginning, a middle AND an end. I fully and completely understand the drama of it. Poor Alexis? Or no, poor Ted? Or, no, poor both of them? - P**

 

_ Oh my god remind me never to gossip with you again you're so bad at it  _

 

**Tell me the full story at the store I'll try to react more appropriately**

 

_ Okay _

 

_ If we're going out tonight does that mean we can close up early  _

 

**It's already a half day - P**

 

_ And?  _

 

**We're already closing at lunch - P**

 

_ And?  _

 

**Well I wasn't thinking of going out until 8ish - P**

 

_ Yeah so I need time to get ready  _

 

**More than the 6 hours you'll already have? - P**

 

_ I have a very long winded skincare routine  _

 

_ And Alexis and I share a bathroom  _

 

_ Do you want me to look like a troll tonight?  _

 

**We're not closing early. At this rate if we keep texting we'll have to stay open late because we'll be opening late so you'd better get here soon - P**

 

_ You are a sly, sly man Patrick Brewer _

 

_ I'll be at the store soon _

 

**There's a coffee waiting for you, don't let it get cold! - P**

 

**\--------**

 

_ Stevie messaged me to say she'll drive tonight so we can drink and celebrate  _

 

**That's… suspiciously nice what's the catch - P**

 

_ Wow you're so cynical Patrick. One day you'll just accept someone doing a nice thing at face value like Stevie so clearly is doing here  _

 

**You're making me think that there's a catch more and more by the second here David - P**

 

_ Okay so maybe she made me give her a couple of bottles of the rioja  _

 

**Okay so there's definitely a catch then - P**

 

_ There literally always is with Stevie  _

 

**David you literally just told me to be less cynical about her intentions - P**

 

_ You can't be cynical about her, you're too nice and pleasantly naive for that. I'm allowed to be cynical _

 

**Oh you're** **_allowed_ ** **to be cynical, that makes sense - P**

 

_ We'll pick you up at 8 _

 

**Enjoy your elaborate skincare routine - P**

 

**\--------**

 

_ Paaaaatrjiikkkck did yoy get gome okay _

 

**Ye - p**

 

**U left ur jacket in stevies car iv got it P**

 

_ No text speak  _

 

**Y? -p**

 

_ please patrujk stop oh my. Fdos  _

 

**Im wearing ur jacket itd comfy p**

 

**Leather is soft smells njce - P**

 

_ I bet ut kooks nice you can keep is  _

 

**No it looks 2 gd on u u need 2 keep it - patrick**

 

_ I had s great time tonifgt _

 

**Me 2 - - P**

 

**Thank u 4 having me in ur life David _P**

 

_ What no thank yuo _

 

_ Dint know wjat. I would do wothout yoi _

 

**The store is gr8 we did a gr8 thing I'm proud of u - O**

 

_ Thanknyou _

 

**U no wat else is gr8 this jacket it smells so gd - P**

 

_ It's a goof jacke6 I lovr it  _

 

_ It's my pulling jackey _

 

**Wats pulling - p**

 

_ British thjng _

 

_ Like taking som eone home ;)  _

 

**Like Bridget and huge grant  p**

 

_ YES JIST LIKE BRODGET JONES  _

 

**Just the way u are - P**

 

_ I'm so happu you rememember  _

 

**I remember everything u say- p**

 

_ I didnt say it colin did duh _

 

**Well I meant it p**

 

_ Meant ehat  _

 

_ Meant whihc bit _

 

_ Are yo there?  _

 

_ Did yuo fall asleep? _

 

_ I guest you did _

 

_ Ok _

 

_ Goodnight patrick thnak you for tonight  _

 

_ I had a really great time we should do it again  _

 

_ See you tomoroow _

 

_ You shuold wear the kacket to teh store tomorrow I want to see it on yuo _

 

_ Ok goodnjght x _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God this took me forever - between weekends away and brainwork-stopping heat I haven't been able to write for what feels like weeks! This is just a little bit of fun, I love writing them both drunk and haven't had a chance to write drunk Ricky yet so here we are. Him using text speak when he's drunk is one of my favourite things I've written!
> 
> Anyway I hope you enjoy this random little chapter!


	13. My Patrick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place just before Grad Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so everyone for all your kind words and encouragement as always! I'm so, so sorry this chapter took so long to come out! I hope you enjoy!

_ Good morning Patrick _

 

_ we have two options  _

 

**Options? - p**

 

_ Either we can be like weird and awkward about how embarrassingly drunk we were last night  _

 

_ Or we can get over it and be like adults who ignore and repress humiliating things  _

 

_ Either way I need to make it clear that you cannot keep my jacket  _

 

_ It cost more than I care to divulge  _

 

_ Night time David is really generous, apparently  _

 

**Oh, is he? 😉 - P**

 

**Ignore the emoji - P**

 

**I may still be kind of drunk - P**

 

_ Oh my god  _

 

_ This is hilarious but I just want to clarify that I'll be needing my jacket back today _

 

_ But I'm sorry that you have to be awake for the start of the hangover  _

 

**Oh no, I'm somehow both drunk and hungover. It's a lot of fun 🤕 - P**

 

_ Why with the emojis  _

 

**I can't stop 🤐-p**

 

**I don't think I'm ever going to be able to move again - P**

 

_ Oh my god _

 

_ so does this mean I get to be the one telling you how important it is that we open the store today and you have to be the whiny one who doesn't want to get up  _

 

**No I'll get up. It's not worth the mocking, 😜 - P**

 

_ How the tables have turned  _

 

_ Maybe I'll wear blue today in honour of our Freaky Friday swap _

 

_ Maybe you can actually borrow my jacket so it's like you're really in me _

 

_ No I mean  _

 

_ Really dressed like me _

 

**Okay no I'm up. My head feels like it's been sawed in half, but I'm up - P**

 

_ Can I use one of your belts mine are all too black I need a brown belt to be you  _

 

**Thanks for being so kind to me in my time of need David - P**

 

_ Okay listen _

 

_ I'll open the store, you just come in when you feel you can _

 

_ You've covered for me enough with all the drama that surrounds my life  _

 

**Have I ever told you I'm grateful for you? - P**

 

_ No never  _

 

**Surely I have - P**

 

_ Nope  _

 

_ Maybe you should tell me now  _

 

**I thought I just did - P**

 

_ No you asked me if you ever had  _

 

_ It's different  _

 

_ Maybe you can tell me now  _

 

**Okay are you ready? - P**

 

_ Hold on _

 

_ Just a second  _

 

_ Just getting ready _

 

_ Nearly ready _

 

_ Okay I'm ready _

 

**Alright David. Here goes - P**

 

**I am… - P**

 

**Oh, look it's 9am which means that the store's open! You'd better start working! 🙂 - P**

 

_ You are a cruel man Patrick Brewer _

 

**Tick tock tick tock, time is money! - P**

 

_ I'm going to be extra loud all day _

 

_ I'm buying fish for lunch  _

 

_ It's a good thing you called the electrician to fix those lights because they're going to be so bright. All day _

 

**Aren't you hungover as well? - P**

 

_ Maybe  _

 

_ Ok go sleep or whatever I'll see you later  _

 

**Byeeeeeeeeee 😴 - P**

 

_ \-------- _

 

_ So how are you feeling  _

 

**Really great, I've not managed to leave the sofa since I got home from the store. How did we get that drunk? What were we drinking? - P**

 

_ I think it was the polar bear shots that did it  _

 

_ Because they're sweet you forget that they will kill you _

 

_ I thought you'd be the type to do something heinous like exercise through a hangover  _

 

_ Didn't take you as the dying on the sofa type  _

 

**David, there's hungover and there's I may die because I'm so sick and tired. Then there's this. This is worse - P**

 

_ Are you telling me you are usually the type to like run through a hangover because if so I don't know if we can be friends  _

 

**I may have been known to take a post night out jog, but you can feel safe in our friendship that I am not sure I'll ever jog again - P**

 

**How are you feeling? - P**

 

_ Stevie gave me some terrifying concoction from Twyla that was closer to solid than liquid and made me sleep for half an hour and I woke up feeling somehow totally fine  _

 

_ Do you want me to bring you some  _

 

**I don't think I could deal with it to be honest - P**

 

_ Probably a good idea, I can't say with certainty that it's not got some witch magic stuff in it _

 

**Good call - P**

 

_ Do you happen to have a TV near that sofa you're currently dying on _

 

**I do, I'm watching a game right now - P**

 

_ You know what's better than a game don't you  _

 

**Two games? - P**

 

_ Funny _

 

_ You're funny  _

 

**What's better than a game David - P**

 

_ Well!  _

 

_ It's funny you should ask Patrick!  _

 

_ There happens to be a great movie on tonight  _

 

_ That may or may not be on the list  _

 

_ That you may want to watch  _

 

_ And message me through watching so I can see your reactions  _

 

**I'd guessed as much - P**

 

**What channel? - P**

 

_ MTV _

 

**Oh! I know this movie! - P**

 

_ Really?????  _

 

**This is my mom's favourite movie of all time - P**

 

_ Oh, well we don't have to watch it if you've seen it _

 

**Oh no David. Don't put Baby in a corner like that. We will be watching - P**

 

_ Sounds like it's not just your mom who likes Dirty Dancing  _

 

**I must have watched it half a dozen times over the years. It's not bad, I really like Patrick Swayze in it - P**

 

_ Oh my god yes _

 

_ Patrick Swayze is everything  _

 

_ One of my first loves _

 

_ The hips on that man _

 

_ What a man, my Patrick _

 

_ Uh _

 

_ Are you ok to watch even though its your favourite film of all time and you know every word, every scene, every moment  _

 

**I feel like that's not what I said but yes I would love to watch - P**

 

**It's probably a good thing that we're watching something I know right now, I probably wouldn't be able to take in any new information tonight - P**

 

_ I'll leave my trivia for next time then  _

 

**Good plan - P**

 

_ Ugh Alexis has decided she wants to watch it too  _

 

_ Which means we won't actually watch any of it because she won't stop talking _

 

**That's okay, Ray has decided that he wants to watch too and has taken over your role as trivia sharer, except most of what he's telling me I know to be incorrect - P**

 

_ Ray _

 

**No, this is Patrick - P**

 

_ Why is Ray there _

 

**Well, it's his house. It would be pretty rude of me to stop him watching his own TV - P**

 

_ His house  _

 

_ Ray's house?  _

 

**I don't know what's happening here - P**

 

_ Why are you at Ray's house  _

 

**Well my bed is here so it's the best place for me to be at night - P**

 

_ Your bed is there _

 

**As well as my clothes, my toothbrush and a signed baseball - P**

 

_ You live with Ray?  _

 

**By George I think he's got it - P**

 

_ Since when do you live with Ray _

 

**Since I moved here, he knew I was moving from out of town when he gave me the job and said I could stay with him until I found a place. He's a good guy, even if he just told me that Patrick Swayze's real name is Michael, which is just not even a little bit true - P**

 

_ So you don't have like guest bedrooms and multiple bathrooms and a driveway  _

 

**Who told you I had a driveway - P**

 

_ I thought you were Bill Gates _

 

_ Apparently Alexis knew you lived at Ray's  _

 

_ Am I literally the only person who didn't know _

 

_ What else don't I know about you _

 

_ What other secrets are you keeping from me _

 

**It wasn't really a secret I assumed you knew - P**

 

_ Do you have a secret baby _

 

_ Are you a spy _

 

_ Is your name really Michael just like Patrick Swayze _

 

**Yes David, I'm Michael. I wish I'd told you sooner. Think how our lives would have changed if I'd just told you that I'm called Michael from the start - P**

 

_ We're not really watching this movie are we  _

 

**It's hard to watch when Ray keeps on getting up and replicating the dances. Apparently at his dance classes they've been practicing the big lift with him as Baby. I'm terrified he's going to ask me to practice with him - P**

 

_ I used to make Alexis do the jump with me when we were kids  _

 

**I think you and Ray would get on well, he loves all your movies - P**

 

_ Never say that again  _

 

**But you could talk to him about which Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan movie was best and he would actually be able to give you a constructive answer - P**

 

_ What? You mean to say  your answer of "was Meg Ryan in Notting Road" wasn't constructive?  _

 

**Okay I know now she wasn't and that it's called Notting Lane - P**

 

_ I can't tell whether you're just trying to upset me here bring back your emojis so I can tell if you're joking  _

 

**Notting Street? 😉 - P**

 

_ What did I do to deserve this _

 

**We're still not watching the movie - P**

 

_ What can I say I'm such a witty conversationalist  _

 

_ Let's watch it another time  _

 

_ We've already missed Baby telling Jonny she loves him _

 

**Okay, I can't say I'm unhappy to go to sleep - P**

 

_ Alright good night  _

 

_ Oh wait  _

 

_ Before you go to sleep _

 

_ I ordered a spray bottle today  _

 

**Okay thank you for keeping me awake with such vital information. Any particular reason for your purchase? - P**

 

_ It's for the produce _

 

_ We can spray them so they look nicer and fresher and people will want to take photos and post them on like Instagram with some cute hashtags so more people visit the store _

 

**And also, presumably, so the people who see them will buy the produce - P**

 

_ Yeah sure  _

 

**Sounds good - P**

 

_ you can sleep now _

 

**Okay. Good night David - P**

 

**Wait hold on I forgot - I need to tell you something - P**

 

_ Oh okay _

 

_ Is everything okay _

 

_ You're not like quitting the store are you?  _

 

**What, no? Why would you say that? - P**

 

_ You just sounded really serious and sometimes when I'm hungover I get like overthinky and I thought maybe you had been thinking things over and you were tired of it and like done I don't know _

 

_ Ignore me I just remembered that I am currently hungover and overthinky  _

 

_ What did you want to tell me  _

 

**I'm not leaving the store, David - P**

 

_ I know  _

 

_ I know now _

 

_ Okay I'm going to sleep _

 

_ Night Patrick  _

 

_ Wait no  _

 

_ You needed to tell me something  _

 

**Okay. I was going to joke about being grateful for you but now I feel like you need to hear it, so: I'm grateful for you David. I'm not leaving.  - P**

 

_ Okay _

 

_ Thank you _

 

**Yes. So, good night. See you tomorrow - P**

 

_ Goodnight  _ 😴 __

 

**Why with the emojis - P**

 

_ Why indeed Patrick _

 

_ Why indeed  _

 

_ Sleep well  _ ✌️

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks as always to the Rosebudd Motel for listening to me complain constantly about everything and for their help in deciding on the film for this chapter!
> 
> Get ready for Grad Night gang!


	14. I know you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's finally Grad Night!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally here! They kissed! They're soft and tender and they're going to talk about it tomorrow... unless they text each other before ;)
> 
> Thank you so much to olive2read for reading this over for me! And to helvetica_upstart who read this chapter months ago when I wrote it (before I posted chapter one!) and encouraging me right from the start!

_ Patrick, it's David  _

 

**Yes David, I know it's you**

 

_ I couldn't wait to talk until tomorrow _

 

_ I hope that’s okay _

 

**More than okay. Thank you again for tonight, David. I hope you had a good birthday.**

 

_ I did. It was… memorable. Thank you. _

 

**What was your favourite part? I think mine was that last mozzarella stick on the plate that started kind of bubbling when we didn't eat it.**

 

_ Or when you brazenly asked me how old I was with no regard to my tender ageing heart. A real highlight. _

 

**The kiss was okay too, I think.**

 

_ Yeah _

 

_ That was alright too. I think. _

 

_ Hey Patrick? _

 

**Yes David?**

 

_ Tonight was a date, right? _

 

**Yes, tonight was a date.**

 

**If you’re okay with that.**

 

_ Yeah. I’m okay with that. _

 

_ Maybe we can do it again sometime? _

 

**That would be good.**

 

_ Good. _

 

_ Thank you. For tonight.  _

 

_ I think it was the best birthday I’ve ever had. _

 

**I’m glad I could be a part of that.**

 

_ Not so much a part of it _

 

_ Kind of one of the reasons why?  _

 

**Oh.**

 

_ Yeah _

 

_ See you in the morning? _

 

**Definitely. Not before 10, though.**

 

_ Goodnight Patrick. _

 

**Goodnight David**

 

_ Wait _

 

_ You're not signing off your texts  _

 

**No, I think you know me now too**

 

_ Yeah _

 

_ I think I do _

 

_ Goodnight x _

 

**Sleep well x**

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was SO short and I would be sorry except adding anything else in felt forced and like it was breaking the little moment they were having. God I love these boys so much!
> 
> And that's a wrap on series three, gang. For those who asked, I will be continuing on into series four. I'm so endlessly thankful for all your support for this fic, it literally makes me cry so thank you thank you thank you! See you in series 4!


	15. You think I'm gorgeous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This takes place after Dead Guy In Room 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi gang! Now that Patrick isn't signing off any more just wanted to confirm that David's texts are in ITALICS and Patrick's texts are in BOLD.
> 
> Enjoy :)

_ So I just want to clear something up here  _

 

_ Because I want to admit to something that I didn't tell you before _

 

 **Okay,** **is this about the dead guy? I'm sure you didn't kill him either**

 

_ No not really  _

 

_ I just  _

 

_ You said that you were worried that I just wanted to sleep with you tonight  _

 

**I'm sorry I made an assumption like that, I'm just so new to this**

 

_ Given everything you know about my past you definitely weren't wrong to assume  _

 

_ But I just kind of wanted to say that like  _

 

_ I'm so happy to take this slow because I literally have never taken anything slow in my life and  I want us to do this properly  _

 

**I like that, I'm glad we're doing it properly. I'm also glad that we're doing this.**

 

_ We will do whatever you want to do whenever you are ready for it  _

 

_ But I just wanted to make myself clear that  _

 

_ I'm really, really attracted to you  _

 

_ And yeah I don't want to pressure you into doing things before you're ready but I also just wanted to let you know that when you're ready to do… that stuff that I really really want to do all it with you?  _

 

_ Basically you're hot  _

 

_ Just needed you to know  _

 

**Oh you needed me to know, makes sense**

 

_ Yeah I just kind of like you and I didn't want you to think that I didn't find you hot _

 

_ Because I do  _

 

_ You're really hot  _

 

**You're not exactly difficult to look at either**

 

_ Am I not?  _

 

**Come on David, you know what you look like**

 

_ No I don't maybe you should tell me _

 

**Let's just say that when I'm ready for that stuff I really, really, really want to do it with you too**

 

**A lot**

 

_ Ooooh so you think I'm sexy?  _

 

_ You think I'm gorgeous _

 

_ You want to kiss me _

 

_ You want to hug me _

 

_ You want to love me you want to smooch me you want to hug me _

 

**Will it please you to know that I got the Miss Congeniality reference?**

 

_ Oh my god I want you even more now _

 

_ This is fun I like flirting with you  _

 

**Oh are we flirting? I didn't realise**

 

_ No you're right this is just professional conversation between business partners  _

 

_ No funny business here just coworkers chatting  _

 

_ Colleagues talking like colleagues do  _

 

**It was very unprofessional of me to kiss my colleague in work hours today then**

 

_ Oh yeah, I'd better get that passed through to HR  _

 

_ Okay I asked the HR department and they said that it's fine  _

 

**Oh good, I was worried for a moment there that I wouldn't be able to do it again**

 

_ Well we can't have that _

 

_ You are cleared to do it whenever you want  _

 

_ HR even encouraged it  _

 

_ They specifically mentioned that the back room would be a suitable location if you were unsure about the professionalism of kissing me on the shop floor  _

 

**Duly noted. We are lucky to have such a relaxed HR team**

 

_ I only hire the best  _

 

**That you do**

 

_ That I do.  _

 

**So, quick question. Notting Hill is on in an hour or so, I was wondering if you maybe wanted to watch it?**

 

_ That sounds very nice  _

 

_ More than nice it's like a tonic to help me forget about this crappy day  _

 

**Oh I didn't realise me kissing you was crappy. I'll make sure not to do it again. Go tell HR we changed our minds.**

 

_ Yeah actually it was gross I don't know why you did it  _

 

**You did it first**

 

_ I guess I did _

 

_ Okay I forgive you  _

 

_ And it wasn't gross _

 

_ It was quite nice  _

 

**Oh quite nice, yes of course.**

 

_ It was fine  _

 

**I'd better try harder next time so it's more than fine**

 

_ I wouldn't object to that  _

 

**Good**

 

_ Good  _

 

**So Notting Hill**

 

_ I'm currently lying on the floor of my parents room while my mom is watching an old episode of Sunrise Bay and telling some mostly false stories about her costars  _

 

_ So as long as I can prise the remote from her hands I will definitely watch along with you  _

 

**Watch along?**

 

_ Oh are you not watching? I assumed you wanted to make it further through my list  _

 

**No I'm watching**

 

**I thought you might like to watch it with me**

 

_ Um yeah that's why I'm trying to persuade my mom that Notting Hill would be fun? Because she can tell her story about when Julia had a cameo on on her show as a kid and asked mom for help nailing a particular take which apparently "thrusted her over the precipice, out of obscurity and into the coruscating light of stardom"  _

 

_ So we can watch it _

 

**So I kind of meant watch it with me. Here?**

 

_ At your place?  _

 

**Well, I don't want you having to sleep on your parents' floor all night when I have a perfectly working bed**

 

_ Where will you sleep?  _

 

**I see where your confusion comes from when you've slept in a tiny twin for years but some beds are designed for two people**

 

_ You're funny  _

 

_ I thought you wanted to take it slow  _

 

**We can take it slow while lying in the same bed**

 

**We'll be asleep most of the time anyway**

 

**It can be just a sleepover**

 

_ Are you sure?  _

 

**And if it gives me a change to practice kissing you so we can make them better than fine I wouldn't object**

 

_ Well for the sake of proficiency I think it's probably a good idea  _

 

_ Also it would be nice to see you  _

 

**We were together all day, aren't you sick of me yet?**

 

_ Why would you think I was sick of you  _

 

**Well it is the second day in a row that I've tried to ask you out on a date and you've conveniently not understood me**

 

**I thought it was an easy out**

 

**Especially given that I'm only fine at kissing apparently**

 

_ Oh my god do you need me to say it was the best kiss of my life _

 

_ Fireworks the second our lips met  _

 

_ I was dizzy for minutes after we stopped kissing  _

 

_ I can still feel the press of your lips on mine like they've been imprinted there  _

 

_ That I'm doing that stupid movie cliche where I keep touching my lips to remind myself that it was real  _

 

_ That I can't stop thinking about the next time I'll be able to kiss you and it's getting in the way of like normal life _

 

**Yeah I need you to say all those things**

 

_ Oh my god _

 

**I'm waiting**

 

_ Sorry, I don't have time to write it out _

 

_ I'm getting my stuff ready to go watch Notting Hill with a boy I like  _

 

**Oh, lucky him**

 

_ Very lucky, he gets to witness my night time skin routine on day two of our relationship  _

 

**It's an honour**

 

_ Okay I really have to pack a bag now so _

 

_ I'll be with you in half an hour  _

 

_ With all my serums and some leftover birthday cake _

 

**Can't wait x**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So just an apology and a warning that I'm much slower at writing these chapters nowadays! Life unfortunately keeps getting in the way but I love writing this fic so I am determined to keep going. But updated might take longer than before!
> 
> It's so fun changing the dynamic so they can let each other know they're flirting now! Hopefully it's still fun for you guys :)


	16. Hot under the collar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys get... Frustrated before Pregnancy Test

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, Patrick is bold and David is italics :)

_ Okay so like  _

 

_ Quick question  _

 

_ Because I'm losing my mind a little here  _

 

_ When you say we won't get any privacy at your place  _

 

_ What do you mean by that  _

 

_ Because I've lived in the same room as my sister for four years  _

 

_ With both of my parents a VERY thin wall away _

 

_ Which has led to some EXTREMELY NOT PRIVATE situations  _

 

_ Like seeing things I would rather burn my eyes than see _

 

_ And also them walking in on things I would have preferred to keep to myself for, you know, the rest of time _

 

_ So like obviously we can't do… things at the motel  _

 

_ But you have your own room  _

 

_ And your own bed _

 

_ Which I'm presuming is not a tiny twin next to another person's tiny twin  _

 

_ Oh my god you don't share a room with Ray do you?  _

 

_ Have you spent the last few months sharing a room with Ray?  _

 

_ Does he snore?  _

 

_ Is he as talkative in his sleep as he is awake?  _

 

_ Oh my god please say you don't share a room with Ray  _

 

**Hi David**

 

**I see you've been busy this morning**

 

**I'm so glad we agreed you could come in later today so you could spend your time texting me all of this super important stuff**

 

_ I don't see you answering my question and now I'm worried you share a bed with Ray _

 

**Yep, we share a tiny twin bed. He was there when we were on the phone last night listening to every word**

 

_ Please don't even joke about Ray hearing that, I'm already terrified of my sister walking in on me without thinking about Ray listening to… That _

 

_ It kind of ruins the mood  _

 

**He thought it was a very nice conversation, he said he was impressed by how imaginative your descriptions were**

 

_ And so he should be, I have a very big imagination _

 

 **Mm.** **I bet you do**

 

_ Patrick Brewer you are in our place of work  _

 

_ I am aghast!  _

 

**Where else can I do it? Ray hogs all the covers in our shared little bed so I don't even have those to protect me and every. single. time. we try doing something together someone walks in or calls or literally throws something at us**

 

_ Okay Stevie did apologise for that, she didn't realise how difficult it had been for us to get alone time  _

 

_ And how upset we were about it, how sad its made us - how… blue we have been  _

 

**David**

 

_ Patrick  _

 

**That's the worst joke you've ever made**

 

_ Or is it funny because it's true?  _

 

**I'll tell Ray that one when we get into our shared bed tonight, we can see if he finds it funny**

 

_ Okay but do we really need to continue the Ray shares a bed with you joke _

 

**Joke?**

 

_ So it's a no for staying at yours  _

 

**Ray likes to talk**

 

_ Okay I mean it'll be annoying but I can get through it  _

 

**No he really, really likes to talk**

 

_ Yeah okay but eventually he'll leave us alone surely  _

 

**So I may not actually share a bed with Ray but he doesn't seem to realise that my room is mine?**

 

**He just kind of comes in and out as he pleases**

 

_ Like a house cat???  _

 

**Like a house cat who really likes to offer me food he's made at 11pm when I am in the middle of other things**

 

_ Don't you have a lock on your door?  _

 

**No and he kind of changes the subject a lot when I try to bring it up**

 

**I think he likes the idea of us being friends who visit each other's rooms all the time like we're in one of your rom coms**

 

_ What is it with this town and locks?? Does privacy mean nothing to these people????!!  _

 

**He means well and he's very generous and kind and a good person but he literally has no concept of privacy whatsoever**

 

**He walked into the bathroom while I was having a shower last week to ask me if I wanted to order take out that night**

 

**So yeah. It's a no on Ray's**

 

_ Okay but like what are we actually going to do _

 

_ Because I just kind of want to make out with you for like more than 30 seconds without Roland barging in on us demanding more tea _

 

**I feel like I jinxed it**

 

**_You_ ** _ jinxed it? How did you jinx it?  _

 

**With my whole taking it slow thing**

 

_ I mean to be honest after last night I'm not sure how slow we can call it _

 

_ Although I suppose there's a difference with being in person  _

 

_ I really want to take it not slow in person  _

 

**Exactly. There's taking it slow and there's living like a Jane Austen character who gets all hot under the collar at a touch of the hands**

 

_ Pride and Prejudice is kind of hot though I may have mentioned my penchant for kind of repressed guys _

 

_ Mr Darcy is hot  _

 

_ You are also hot I want to touch your hand and get hot under the collar _

 

**I want to touch more than your hand David, without your mom interrupting because she thinks she might go to jail**

 

_ I don't think my mom is likely to murder any more guests any time soon, but I see your point  _

 

**What are you doing this evening?**

 

_ I was planning on doing a face mask and making a definitive Beyoncé album ranking. Why, do you want to whisk me away on some regency era date? Some clay pigeon shooting? Maybe I can do some embroidering while you play cards and smoke a pipe with your gentlemen? Ooh are we going to a ball where you'll ask me to dance and the mere thought of our fingers touching sends me too giddy and the audience thinks I'm not going to turn up but then I do at the very last second as the music starts and the camera pans back and it's like we are the only two people in the world?  _

 

**I thought maybe we could go to the new Italian in Elmdale and then make out in my car. Which seems unromantic in comparison to a ball fraught with that much tension. I'm not sure where they're holding balls nowadays, I'll see what I can do.**

 

_ Oh I know where we can hold balls  _ 😛

 

**David**

 

_ Patrick  _

 

**David**

 

_ Patrick  _

 

**David.**

 

_ Dinner in Elmdale and making out in your car sounds absolutely perfect  _

 

_ Don't say that making out in your car isn't romantic. This whole relationship started with us making out in your car. I won't have that sullied.  _

 

**I wouldn't dream of sullying it. Pick you up at 7?**

 

_ Sounds perfect. Shall I wear my petticoats? _

 

**Is that like the skirt you wear over your jeans?**

 

_ Oh my god  _

 

_ For the sake of my sanity I am ignoring that and coming to the store now  _

 

_ I wanna touch your hand mmmm  _

 

_ Hot  _

 

**I'll put on some of the lemongrass hand cream so it's as soft as possible for your under the collar temperature**

 

_ I'm grateful  _

 

**Bring me a tea?**

 

_ Of course. See you in 10 x _

 

**My hands are waiting eagerly in anticipation x**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends! Life has been tough as of late but these boys keep me smiling every day.
> 
> Thanks as always to the Rosebudd for all your support and for laughing at the stupid jokes. Couldn't do this without you, friends!


	17. Emotionally you're Bill Gates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is set right after Asbestos fest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: I wrote this entire chapter with the wrong character in the wrong formatting! So in case, like me, you have forgotten, David is in italics and Patrick in bold.

_ Thank you for dropping me home, I'm not sure I could deal with the Asbestos Fest festivities any longer  _

 

**You're welcome, thank you for inviting me**

 

**You did a nice thing today, David**

 

_ Sure _

 

_ At the expense of my dignity, my reputation and my favourite sweater which Roland spilled beer on while he was laughing at me to my face _

 

**I thought it was very impressive**

 

_ Please do not _

 

**Who knew you knew so many Christmas songs?** __

 

_ Stop please _

 

**Did you do the arrangement or did a professional get involved?**

 

_ I beg you _

 

**No I'm serious have you contacted a producer, this could be a Christmas hit**

 

_ I will never forgive you for this  _

 

**Are you warm enough at the motel? I could drop off a couple extra blankets - it is awfully cold out there**

 

_ You are a hateful human being  _

 

**That's TV's hateful human being to you**

 

_Okay I'm going to sleep I cannot deal with this punch in the gut to my dignity this any more_

 

**Okay no I'm sorry I'll stop**

 

**You did a very nice thing**

 

_ I did tell you that I'm a generous person  _

 

**Not many people are that generous, I was very impressed**

 

**Your mom was grateful too, she told me that you simply obliterated her plans for a grand re-enactment of her greatest victory on the stage and that at first she was vexed but came round to your brilliant idea to subvert the seasons with an homage to the most wonderful time of the year**

 

**Or something like that**

 

_ I just wanted her to be okay  _

 

**I know you did. You're a good son**

 

_ To be honest I'm surprised you didn't break up with me the second I got off stage tonight _

 

_ Anyone with a modicum of common sense would have walked out  _

 

**You think I'm so easily swayed? You wore a shower cap to work before we even got together and I was still pretty desperate to kiss you**

 

_ Oooh were you desperate  _

 

_ I didn't know I was so irresistible  _

 

_ Shower caps really do it for you huh  _

 

**Oh yeah, I couldn't stop thinking about ripping it off your head and watching all the lice crawling through your irresistible hair**

 

_ Hey you're the one who said it was desperate times who am I to judge  _

 

**I thought we were calling it trying times**

 

_ Well nothing about us  _ now _ is desperate but it sounds like it was desperate back then  _

 

_ Were you just dying to take me back to your room at Ray's so we could platonically share a bed and you could yearn for me while you watched me sleep _

 

**Okay so maybe I didn't think the whole inviting you over thing through**

 

**I just wanted to help you in your time of need**

 

_ So no yearning  _

 

**Maybe a bit of yearning**

 

_ It's okay I would have been yearning too probably  _

 

**I can't believe you thought I'd break up with you because you sang a stupid song**

 

_ I mean I wouldn't blame you _

 

**I'm not breaking up with you David, trust me**

 

**I'd say you should have faith in me, but you told the whole audience we weren't faithful tonight**

 

_ Oh my god  _

 

**I hope you weren't including me in that group, I'd be simply devastated if you called me unfaithful** __

 

_ Well _

 

**What? You think I've cheated on you**

 

_ Of course not _

 

_ But we've never actually  _

 

_ You know  _

 

**Never actually what?**

 

_ I mean I don't want to make assumptions that we're  _

 

_ You know _

 

_ Exclusive  _

 

_ So it's not like you have to be faithful you know _

 

_ Oh my god my whole body just cringed writing that please ignore me and tell me I did a nice thing again  _

 

**David. I think this is something we should talk about properly**

 

_ Like it's okay if you are dating other people, but please just don't tell me that you are  _

 

_ Actually no, do tell me  _

 

_ I've been surprised by non exclusivity enough I think I would rather know  _

 

_ Like when the tennis coach told me that she was seeing other people by telling everyone at a party how great it was that our relationship was so inclusive _

 

_ I thought she meant because I was pan or something like that, turns out she was "including _ "  _ like five other guys  _

 

_ So yeah I think I want to know  _

 

_ And I understand that you might want to explore this whole new part of yourself now that you are free to explore it and I'm so proud of you if you are exploring and will support you through it all  _

 

_ Although to be honest when do you even have time??? We're at the store all day and I guess we don't see each other every night but we do most nights  _

 

_ No don't tell me _

 

_ No actually do  _

 

**Okay David I think this is a conversation best done in person, I'm coming around now**

 

_ Okay do I need like vodka to deal with this conversation or will the motel coffee do  _

 

_ What am I saying the motel coffee would never do _

 

_ Bring vodka  _

 

**I don't want to talk about anything bad David, I just think if we're going to talk about us then we should do it in person**

 

**I love texting you but it's so easy to say the wrong thing or for the intention to get screwed up**

 

**You've been messed around too much in your life for me to be vague and noncommittal with you so I'm coming over and we're talking about this properly**

 

**Is that okay? If you'd prefer to do it tomorrow that's fine but I thought it was best to do it now while we are talking about it, I don't want you to worry all night about it**

 

_ No yeah come over  _

 

_ You're such a grown up  _

 

_ Maybe you are Bill Gates after all  _

 

_ Yeah sure you share a house with Ray but emotionally you're Bill Gates _

 

_ I'm guessing you're in the car now so you won't see these until you get here  _

 

_ I'm glad we don't have to yearn for each other any more  _

 

_ It's better like this  _

 

_ It's actually the best like this I think  _

 

_ I'm having a lot of fun with you _

 

_ Even if you literally never stop making fun of the number I'll still like you and that's saying a lot  _

 

_ I think you're nice _

 

_ Thank you for caring about my feelings _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well gang, everything that could go wrong in writing a chapter has gibe wrong here. I lost the entire chapter once, then wrote it with the wrong formatting, then have spent the week wrestling with Ao3's editor which was broken, then I finally posted the chapter and immediatelty disappeared! So sorry if you've had two notifications on this. Also sorry for the delay!
> 
> Would they have had this conversation at this time at this point in canon? Who knows! But it felt write to have it here so I hope it still feels in character.
> 
> Also just a quick note to thank PandorasDaydream who is so lovely and has been a proper cheerleader since I started this fic!!
> 
> Fingers crossed this actually posts this time and also that you all enjoy! Good news: next chapter is post Girls' Night and potentially the sweetest words I have ever written.


	18. Goodnight, boyfriend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is just after Asbestos Fest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the flood of emotions from the unfairly cute teaser they released today it seemed right to post an unfairly cute chapter. Enjoy!
> 
> As always, David is italics and Patrick is bold.

_ Patrick, it’s David. Your boyfriend. _

 

**Hi boyfriend, to what do I owe the pleasure, nine and a half minutes after I dropped you home?**

 

_ I was just wondering.  _

 

_ Can I ask you something? _

 

**Is everything alright?**

 

_ When did you know? _

 

_ That you uh _

 

_ Liked me. _

 

**Oh.**

 

**Why do you ask?**

 

_ So like _

 

_ Alexis and Stevie were like these annoying school kids around me for weeks before we got together _

 

_ They were practically screaming at me that you liked me and I wouldn't listen to them but I kind of realised that maybe you did like me back then??? _

 

_ And then when Stevie said tonight that her work here was done after my uh outburst or whatever it reminded me that I think she knew before I did  _

 

**I thought it was pretty obvious I liked you David.**

 

_ Was it though? _

 

**I offered for you to stay at my house a week after meeting you, knowing I was literally renting a room with one bed from Ray, while desperately hoping you wouldn’t let me sleep on the couch and we’d find a way to share the bed**

 

_ I mean I didn’t know if it was like a  _ friend  _ offer _

 

**I listened to your voicemails about thirty times so I could make your license application perfect.**

 

_ I thought you were just the consummate professional  _

 

**David, I framed your business license.**

 

_ And that was a very sweet, if misguided, way to seduce me _

 

_ Okay so when was it _

 

**I guess it depends on how you define “like”.**

 

_ Okay so when was it _

 

**Well I’m not sure I can pinpoint an** **_exact_ ** **moment,**

 

_ Okay so when was it _

 

**You are a menace to society.**

 

_ Okay so when was it _

 

**Fine.**

 

**It was when you said the word oscillating.**

 

_ What? When did I say the word oscillating? _

 

**When you came to apply for your incorporation papers.**

 

_ Okay if you don’t want to tell me when it actually was that’s fine _

 

**What? I just told you.**

 

_ There is no way you knew you liked me less than a minute after we met Patrick. I’m pretty but not that pretty _

 

**You were flustered and you were nervous and you were using your hands to talk and you were wearing the sweater with the stripes that makes your neck look amazing and your face was so expressive and you were frowning and all I could think was that I wanted to kiss the frown away. It was then.**

 

_ Oh  _

 

_ So like. The whole time? _

 

**I took some time to gather up what I was feeling and work out why it felt different than anything I’d felt before. I went on a lot of hikes trying to process it all but that’s basically the moment I knew that there was something about you. What about you?**

 

_ No. Hold on.  _

 

_ So you have liked me the  _ entire time  _ I have known you  _

 

**I mean there have been moments where I’ve questioned my life choices - like when you tell me you hate my choice in footwear**

 

_ Okay no we are not deflecting right now Mr Brewer. Were you pining for me from the moment we met? _

 

**Come on David.**

 

_ Am I living in an actual romantic comedy? Should Sandra Bullock play me in the film or Anne Hathaway? I guess Mila Kunis has a more similar bone structure to me than the other two but does she have the emotional range to portray me? _

 

**You’re impossible.**

 

_ I’m very sorry to tell you that I did not realise until later that I had feelings for you _

 

**That’s fine David, you don’t have to apologise.**

 

_ I know, but maybe you thought we had a love at first sight thing and I don’t want to burst your bubble _

 

**So when was it then?**

 

_ Let me set the scene for you _

 

_ It’s a beautiful day and I am at the store. You had come to give me my license. I had thought you were trying to make a move on Alexis and hated the idea of you being with her but didn’t really know why. _

 

**Okay, that was never going to happen. She nearly strangled me with a cat scarf.**

 

_ Let me set the scene here Patrick I am an excellent scene setter and do not need interruptions  _

 

**Oh you are the best scene setter I've ever known**

 

_ I’d had a bad day, I respected your opinions a lot and didn’t like that you didn’t have faith in my business when I had to explain that my products were on consignment. Alexis was being a brat and I wanted both of you to leave. I was feeling overwhelmed and alone. _

 

**I’m not too sure how this ends with you figuring out you liked me, I sound like a dick here.**

 

_ And then you came back. And you were nice about the store. And you wanted to help. And like I didn’t know a lot of genuine people back then and I was surprised and impressed. And you just seemed nice. _

 

**So I won you over by being** **_nice?_ **

 

_ And then you told me you’d definitely get the grant money and it was like maybe the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard _

 

**Oh.**

 

_ There wasn’t really any turning back after that _

 

**I told myself I was going to talk to you about it that day because I didn't want my very confused feelings to jeopardise the business and I thought you had a right to know something that would have an impact.**

 

_ Oh my god thats the most boring reason ever _

 

_ I like you so much   _

 

**Those are confusing statements one after the other**

 

_ What can I say, I'm a confusing guy  _

 

_ At that point I thought you thought I was just a really bad business owner but I guess I thought you were maybe going to say something and after my little sexy revelation I wouldn't have minded  _

 

**But instead I said something stupid about the frame and decided to not think about it from that moment on**

 

**Which worked out well I just thought about you more instead**

 

_ I won't let you call the frame stupid, it's an important part of the store _

 

_ I think it all worked out for the best  _

 

**It wouldn't have been fair for me to say anything then anyway**

 

_ Why not?  _

 

**It was too new to me, I've never done this with a guy and I didn't know what I wanted and I didn't want to ruin everything before we even got started**

 

_ Oh my god so who would play  _ you _ in the rom com then because this is movie magic _

 

**Okay David I think it’s time to go to bed. You’re far too giddy over this.**

 

_ Hugh Grant is too awkward for you. Tom Hanks is great but I think you’re cute little doe eyes are vital to your character and that’s not Tom’s thing. Richard Gere? Definitely not. Maybe Colin Firth? I can see you doing a Bridget Jones “just the way you are” speech but you're more take charge than he is although you are both in that nice guy club so maybe he can get tips from you there  _

 

**Goodnight David!**

 

_ No suggestions? You need to pick your romantic hero to sweep me off my feet in our star crossed romance _

 

**Goodnight!**

 

_ I’ll see if I can get hold of Richard Curtis. I’ve not seen him since Keira Knightley’s Easter Egg Hunt in 2009 but I’m sure he’d be interested in this  _

 

**Sleep well!**

 

_ Maybe we can get Kristen Stewart to play Stevie _

 

**It's been nice speaking to you, shame we have to sleep!**

 

_ It has been very nice speaking to you  _

 

_ It has also been a lot of like serious feelings for one night  _

 

_ So I'm giving you permission to laugh about the number tomorrow if you want  _

 

_ To like balance it out  _

 

**A little birdy did tell me that the town was going to be joke free by Christmas**

 

_ OK goodnight why did I say that _

 

**Gotta laugh as much as I can until then**

 

_ Goodnight, boyfriend _

 

**Goodnight, boyfriend.**

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god its tough writing these two be serious for a minute but this was a conversation that needed to happen, I hope you like how it played out!
> 
> Between writing this, that teaser and watching Wicked in the West End for the millionth time tonight I am an emotional wreck today. Sorry if the chapter is ridiculously sappy because of it 😂


	19. Nom nom for you both

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is set during RIP Moira Rose!

_ Hey Patrick it's Alexis 😘 xx _

 

_ So David asked me to message you f _ _ rom his phone but like I'm scared to look at it bc I don't want to see any sex stuff u know? 🙈 Xxxx _

 

_ It's really hard to type without looking at the screen did you know??? 😥 xxxxxxxx _

 

_ So like if u could text me a bunch of times so all the old messages are off the screen that would be great mkay? 👍 Xxx _

 

**Hi Alexis**

 

**There is no sex stuff on David's phone**

 

**That I know of at least**

 

**There's nothing from me though so don't worry**

 

_ Oh my god Patrick you are such a button making sure I'm not worrying!!!!!!!!!!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️ Xx _

 

_ So like we're on our way to the first vendor and um _

 

_ Wait I forgot what David asked me to say I'm gonna ask him again 🤔 xxxx _

 

_ Probably something to do with stock levels or profit margins 📊 xxxxxx _

 

_ See Patrick I do remember this stuff so your cute little tutoring sessions totally paid off 💼 xxxx _

 

_ Maybe I should start a business now too 🤓 xxxx _

 

_ I'm not actually technically employed atm so now would be like the best time to do it maybe u can help me???????? 🙏 Xxx _

 

**I'd be happy to help you with a start up. What type of business would you want to go into?**

 

_ Ugh I don't know yet maybe like my own version of goop or something 😻 xx _

 

**Okay, maybe think about your target market for something like that and make a start on a business plan and I can help if you want me to.**

 

_ Okay sure omg thank you so much Patrick 😚 xxxx _

 

_ Let me ask David why he wanted me to message u xxx _

 

_ Oh so it wasn't about the store xxx _

 

_ David asked me to let you know that our mom is alive 💕 xxx _

 

**Alright, well thank him for letting me know?**

 

_ He says he thought you would want to know in case you were worried 😬 xx _

 

**Why would I be worried?**

 

_ Okay WOW Patrick that's super harsh  _

 

**No, I mean I'd be really worried if your mom wasn't alive but why would I think that?**

 

_ Oh my godddddddd Patrick I can't deal with you, you're so cute have u not heard? 🙈 Xxxxxxxxxx _

 

**Heard what?**

 

_ Oh Patrick this is so sweet, do you not have twitter? 😂 xxxxxx _

 

**No, well I mean I got one a couple years ago but I prefer to connect to people on Facebook**

 

_ Connect to people omg Patrick you're so cute I can't 😭 xxxxxx _

 

_ Anyway the world thinks mom is dead because someone started a rumour on there 🙄 xxxx _

 

_ But she's fine 😚 xxxxx _

 

**Oh, Ray came in to the store earlier and hugged me for like 3 minutes, I thought he just missed working with me**

 

_ I guess the whole town must know xx _

 

_ Except u lil pumpkin cheeks I can't believe you don't have twitter omg🤣 xxxxxx _

 

**Why would someone do that?**

 

_ I don't know like it happens with people all the time but I don't get why they would even think about doing it about my mom😳 xxxxx _

 

**Is she okay? It must be difficult for her to know that people she knows think she is dead**

 

_ I dont know lil beanie baby, I mean we got loads of flowers and her favourite chocolates sent directly from New York which was so great but I guess she might be upset too 🤔 xxxxxxxx _

 

_ David keeps getting messages come through from people we used to know but he won't read any of them though so I don't know what they're saying 😕 xxxx _

 

**I hope he's doing okay, does he need me to take over with the vendor, I'm sure the town wouldn't mind us closing for the afternoon at a time like this**

 

_ He says no because we have the cheese lady to come and he wants all the dairy he can get his hands and mouth on right now 🧀 xxxxx _

 

_ Ew thats like the least sexy message anyone has ever sent their boyfriend wtf 😱 xxxxxxx _

 

_ All my old friends have messaged me too which is too sweet xxxxx _

 

_ I wish they had messaged me before but at least they have now I guess 🤷🏼♀️ _ _  xxxx _

 

**That must be tough, Alexis. I think it's important for you and David to remember how many people here care about you and that it's not because of who you used to be or what you had, but because they really like you and respect you and want to spend time with you. I know it must be difficult to have people come out of the woodwork when they think they can get something from you, but there's a lot of people who want to be around you without needing anything except your company.**

 

_ Patrick ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ xxxxxx _

 

_ That's so nice 💖💖💖 xxxxxxxx _

 

_ It's  _ _  nice to know you care xxxxxxx _

 

_ I'm really glad David found you 😚 xxxxxxx _

 

_ You really are a button 🥰 xxxxxx _

 

**I'm really glad I found David too.**

 

**Hey can you tell David that I ordered some more tea from Mr Hockley?**

 

_ OMG you ordered more weed tea???????? 😲 xx _

 

**No I just want to see how he'll react**

 

_ Oh my god Patrick under that marshmallow face you're actually a lil troll I love it 😂 xxxxxxx _

 

**What did he say?**

 

_ He said that if you're not joking then he will tell social media that you're dead too 🙊xxxxxx _

 

_ I'm going to tell him that you said it was non refundable and that Mr Heckles sounded very relaxed when you called up the order😈 xxxxxxxx _

 

_ This is fun I like having private jokes with you 😻xxxxxx _

 

**If you really want to mess with him tell him that I ordered it on special request for Roland**

 

_ Now he won't speak to either of us 😂 xxxxxx _

 

_ He's so mad you did so well you're good at annoying David ☺️xxxx _

 

_ I think we're the two best people at annoying him 😊xxxxx _

 

_ I just asked him and he agreed and said he hopes we both slip on the same banana peel 😳xxxxx _

 

_ OMG please get the words nom nom into a conversation with him he will hate it xxxxxx _

_ I'm going to say it now so it'll annoy him even more when you say it OK😂😂xxxxx _

 

**I'll do my best to continue in our shared plight of annoying David as much as possible but I'm not sure how I'll get nom nom into conversation**

 

_ You'll find a way I know  you will 💪xxxx _

 

_ Okay omg this has been the best but I have to eat this peanut butter square and David said he will end me if I get peanut butter on his phone 😖xxxx _

 

_ Thanks for being my new fun friend Patrick xxxx _

 

_ Ew that sounded gross just thanks for being my friend😛 xxxxxx _

 

**Thanks for being my friend too. Enjoy the peanut butter square 🙂**

 

_ \------- _

 

_ Will you hate me if I raincheck our date tonight?  _

 

_ Ugh I hate myself I really really wanted to get ice cream  _

 

_ Although I've eaten more dairy today than the rest of my life combined probably  _

 

_ I wonder if this could kill me???? Probably not right  _

 

_ Anyway I wish I didn't have to cancel but I think after everything that went down today with Ted I think Alexis needs to have someone with her  _

 

**Of course, we can get ice cream any time, it's important that you support each other especially after what happened today with your mom**

 

**You're a good brother** _.  _ **She loves you a lot.**

 

_ She loves you too apparently, since we got home she's been telling me what a pumpkin pie you are non stop. I think she may love you more than she loves me???  _

 

_ But also on that note  _

 

_ Thank you for what you said to her earlier  _

 

_ She's been through it today and I think you helped her a lot _

 

_ It means a lot to me that you care enough to help her too _

 

_ I think she's sometimes lonely out here especially after she saw Ted today and realised that he's not really an option for her any more  _

 

_ It's nice to know that you're her friend too  _

 

_ Both of us think that  _

 

**I'm happy to help. But also can you find out if she actually wants to start a business because I do not think the Goop model would work in Schitt's Creek.**

 

_ Oh my god look at you, you know its called Goop now! Can you remember who founded it yet?  _

 

**Talk to Alexis.**

 

_ I'll take that as a no.  _

 

_ It's Gwyneth Paltrow _

 

_ Aren't you glad you have me around to teach you the ways of the world _

 

**I'm thrilled, what would I do without your wisdom?**

 

**So what are you going to do with Alexis tonight?**

 

_ Probably just watch Mean Girls and eat all the cheeseTed's goat farmer girlfriend gave us  _

 

**That sounds great, have a good night! Nom Nom for you both**

 

_ I'm going to kill Alexis.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay whoops it's been such a long time since I updated this. Sorry for the ridiculous wait, friends. My life has been one hot mess! But I wanted to get the chapter out before the new series started and I made it just in the nick of time!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this slightly different chapter, I wanted to see what it would be like to write as a different character and Alexis needed some Patrick love so here you go. I hope it's not too much of a departure from the norm! 
> 
> ALSO ENJOY THE NEW EPISODE GANG!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think! It's been actual years since I wrote so feedback is a gift my friends.


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